I want my caregiver to take good care of herself or himself

19. I want my caregiver to take good care of herself or himself.

Truer words were never spoken. I so worry about my husband and what is going on with him. He doesn't say too much to me. I know he cares and I know he worries, but he doesn’t talk frankly with me. I worry so much about him. I worry about his mental health and of course his physical health. I have been his "caregiver" for so long and now he is mine. I truly worry.

I also worry about the six other "caregivers" in my house. They mean the world to me and I want them to be taken care of as well. They don't talk much to me and so I worry. Please be kind to these young caregivers.

Please wrap them in your arms and prayers as well. Ask them how they are doing. Invite them over to play or hangout with your kids. Send them a card telling them they are loved. They aren't contagious--none of us are--so don't forget them. Be genuine and love them, because I worry about them.

I need you to understand if I don't return your call or want to see you

18. I need you to understand if I don't return your call or want to see you.

Sometimes I just don't want to talk. Please don't get upset if I don't call or email you back. I'll try to get back to all of you as soon as I can. I do love hearing your voice on my answering machine wishing me well on my next test or treatment. I love reading your comments on my blogs or in my inbox or even in the mail. I have saved those messages and often read them when I'm down or feeling alone and scared. Knowing that you reached out to me is what keeps me going. Please don't feel slighted because I didn't say thank you for the dinner or the note. Sometimes I just don't remember who dropped by or brought something by (or my kids don't remember). But I do thank you for the thoughts and prayers.

I don't know why I got cancer and I don't want to hear your theory

2. I don't know why I got cancer, and I don't want to hear your theory.

This I think is the second most important thing I want you to know. I truly, truly, truly don’t want you to tell me about the newest, greatest, or even the earliest research about how people get cancer. I know there are many theories and research documents out there on why and how people get cancer. I've read many of them and I continue to read them as people send them to me. This truly is one of the most uncaring way of treating me. I know they mean well, but it really doesn't help.

One tells me that by eating sugar I gave myself cancer. Not true. Another tells me that my negative thought gave me cancer. Not true. Another tells me….
You get the picture.
The only thing these theories do for me is tell me that I am the one who caused my cancer. WRONG!

Let's take the science argument first.

Science has proven over and over that cancer is a cell that went wrong and didn't follow the instruction manual in itsDNA. Every person has cancer cells floating in their body right now. Mine just happen to not be taken care of by the other cells and congregated in my lymph system. If it would have happened in my breast I would have breast cancer. My body couldn't stop the growth and rid my body of it in a timely manner. Your body (if you are cancer free) just happens to be working fine. That is how cancers happen.

"Cancer" is a big word that covers many "diseases". In truth there are over 200 different cancers and the list is growing as more research is being conducted. We do not say someone with a cold or the flu or with AIDS has an "infection" we give it a name. "I have bronchitis," or "I have the flu," we tell people. I have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and within that "cancer" there are quite a few subclasses.

There are many reasons why a cell might go haywire and more than one is the "cause" of cancer. If that were so we would have it solved. And NO, the government and pharmaceutical companies are NOT conspiring to milk the populace out of millions. Are you kidding! DO you really think doctors themselves would go through cancer treatments if they knew there was a cure? DO YOU? This is ridiculous--plain and simple. My own doctor's wife is a breast cancer survivor and she happens to be his nurse. Do you think he would have put his wife through surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy if he knew the answer? He told me that if he knew the cure to cancer, he would give it away free, but if he was greedy he would then sell it and become the richest man in the world. Bill Gates would look poor compared to him. The doctors, government and scientists are not out to get us.

Let's take the personality and psychological argument next.

I actually had a person post a link to an article that said I got Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma because I have a "loss of self-worth associated with the location". Since my cancer was found in my back, but yet the lymph systems is from head to toe, I'm not quite sure what this means. It also said that two years ago some emotional "trauma" happened in my life to make my system start to break down. I'm still trying to figure this out. Especially since even my aggressive cancer would take up to three to four years to "show" itself from the first haywire division of cells. Logically I'm not quite sure where this "research" is going.

I can't believe that there are those out there who even believe in this tripe. There is NO RESEARCH to back any of this up. Not one shred of truth to this hype. It only causes those who have cancer to beat themselves up for giving themselves cancer.

To quote Dr. Robert Buckman,
"Of all the reactions that cancer patients and their families experience, perhaps the most damaging and crushing is the idea that somehow the cancer patient might have brought the condition on himself or herself by having the wrong attitudes, thoughts, or personality. … but let me stress right away that humankind has always had a tendency to blame the patient for the disease, and there has been a recent upsurge of this in cancer. … [T]here are very many carefully conducted studies that show that attitudes, personality, life events, grief, and depression do not cause cancer at all (as opposed to behavioral patterns such as smoking, which does cause cancer). Furthermore, there are also important studies that show that changing your attitude and your thinking undoubtedly has a positive effect on your quality of life but does not change the behavior of cancer. Even so, the belief that somehow a diagnosis of cancer is a metaphor for some undefined "wrongness" of the person is a very subtle an powerful part of many people's reactions.
"So, for all those reasons, the word cancer produces particular and deep-seated feelings of fear and dread. That is why a book like this is needed--to explain and demystify cancer and its treatment and so reduce as far as possible those feelings of fear and helplessness. As has often been said, "understanding what's going on always makes things better." and that's especially true of cancer. A clear understanding will always help you fell more in control of your own situation. And by doing that it will really help you cope."

Please understand that I DID NOT CAUSE MY CANCER!!! It just happened and I have to live with it. I don't want your theories on how I got it or how to cure it. PLEASE!

Hearing platitudes or what's good about cancer can trivialize my feelings

17. Hearing platitudes or what's good about cancer can trivialize my feelings.

First one must know what a platitude is. A platitude is "a flat, dull or trite remark, especially one uttered as if it were fresh or profound." I couldn't have said it better and that is exactly how it sounds in my ears. It doesn't help and only makes things worse. I know most people mean well and usually say something stupid because they don't know what to say. I understand that and because of that I will forgive and forget, but please know that saying "you could have been hit by a bus" or "well, at least you will know what you die from" just hurts. The smile on my face when you say that is only there because if I opened my mouth you would see a bloodied tongue because I am biting it.

Here are a few I've heard or never want to hear:
"You must be strong to get cancer."
"You could get hit by a bus."
"This must have happened for a reason."
"God must love and trust you a lot."
"Everything is going to be fine."
"You'll be fine."
"Cancer is a gift." (A gift is something I want to give to someone; I don't want to give cancer to anyone.)

So what do you say to me?

How about saying:
"I love you."
"I'm praying for you."
"I love you."
"This is hard."
"I love you."
"I'm here for you."
"I love you."
And if you can't think of anything how about this one, "My heart and ears are open to listen to you anytime, no matter what."

I won't stop you from saying stupid things, but I don't have to like it. If I happen to walk away, shake my head or bite my tongue, please know that you have started speaking platitudes, clichés and untruths. Just put yourself in my shoes. Do you want to listen to the words that you just said? If not, try something different. This is hard for both of us. Many of you really don't know what to say, that's OK. I don't know what to say either. Please try a warm hug, a "How are you feeling?" (if you have time for the answer) or better yet, "Doreen, I'm thinking about you and I love you."

My moods change from day to day; please forgive me if I snap at you

16. My moods change from day to day; please forgive me if I snap at you.

I have always tried really hard to bridle my emotions, but this is so very hard. Please do not take it personally if I let some emotions slip. I really didn't mean to be mean. I am a good person, a sunny person and I don’t want to snap.

My moods will change as the drugs work through my body. Sometimes a drug makes me do or say things that I really don't mean. I have some powerful drugs to help me combat the side effects, but they also bring side effects and most of them are in my emotions and words.

Not too long ago I had a friend take some words I said in the wrong way. Because of that, I have lost that friend and the family that went with her. I am so very sorry. It didn't matter how much or how sincere my apology was, there was no reply, no forgiveness. Obviously she didn't know me because I would have never meant those words. I would hate for something similar to happen again. Please know that as much as I can I will try to be in control of my words and actions. I will try my hardest not to snap at you. If I do, please forgive me and give me a second chance. I need all the friends I have right now and I would love to add more. Please, please forgive me. I will try not to snap and if I do please forgive.

I like to be held in your thoughts or prayers

15. I like to be held in your thoughts or prayers.

I am a God fearing person. I believe in a higher power. I have been religious all my life and have counted on the power of prayer. I know that not everyone believes in a higher power and that is OK. Everyone has a heart and brain and can keep me and my family there.

There is something peaceful knowing that others are thinking and praying about me. Some are even worrying about me. When I know others have empathy for me there is something about going forward that makes it just a bit more doable. I don't know what it is, but when I know that others are pulling for me in their thoughts and prayers it makes facing another needle, test or doctor's visit all that much more bearable. I truly feel the power behind me, pushing me, helping me, comforting me. I don't know how to explain it. I don't even know the words to say how I feel, but I have a "bit more" to do what has to be done.

Please pray for me, but don't forget the seven other people in my house who need your prayers too. They are going through this with me. Steve needs your love, your support and your prayers. My boys need to feel that "bit more" from your prayers as well. They don’t say much to me, but I know it worries them. I know it scares them. I know my little girl who says a bit more than her brothers needs your prayers as well. She is scared and worried too. My children need your prayers too.

I want you to help without my asking you to

14. I want you to help without my asking you to.

This statement may seem to contradict #6, but it doesn't. This is talking about physically helping me. Just jump in and do it. Right after I was diagnosed with cancer, my beloved father-in-law passed away. We went to the funeral and while we were away we left our home and dog in care of a friend. When we came home my house was clean. I sat at my kitchen table and wept. I had some great friends who did something that, although I could have done myslef, they stepped up and did it and gave me one of the best gifts that week that anyone could have given me.

I have watched dinners come through my door and I know they were not asked for (I haven't asked for them) and I'm not sure who is even in charge of making them come in, but they are so wonderful. I truly feel blessed with friends who just do it without asking. I truly feel blessed when I have family who do it. My own children will just get in and pick something up--even if it isn't their job. That is awesome. Of course they don't do it all the time, but when they do, it is so nice. It makes going to bed in pain just a little better.

There are many things that I would like to have done, but don't want to ask to have done because I'm embarrassed that I can't do them. I can't clean my house. The chemicals alone might do me in. I don't have the strength, and yet that is the one thing I need the most; a home without bacteria or viruses hiding in the corners. Vacuuming the floor takes every ounce of strength and after I've done it I'm down for the next hour or two. Folding laundry is a two hour job. Scrubbing my toilet or shower is enough to put me to bed for the rest of the day. There is no way I can even weed my garden or flower beds. The bacteria found in dirt which normally is so good for us is enough to send me to the ICU for a week. And we won't even talk about my pet and other animal droppings found outside that are extremely harmful to my weakened immune system. But I won't ask for those things to be done--it is too embarrassing to ask for someone to come wash your sheets--the sheets that you spend 18-20 hours a day snuggled up in. It really is embarrassing to ask for help when you are the mom.

It truly is the little things that matter. If I really don't want you to do that, then I'll let you know.

I'm more than my cancer: treat me kindly, not differently

13. I am more than my cancer: treat me kindly, not differently.

I read an article about a beautiful girl who had her legs amputated from the knee down. She is cover model gorgeous. The author asked her how she wanted to be written up she kept telling him, "Amy". He wanted more and she kept telling him "I'm Amy."

Well, I'm Doreen. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I'm a sister. I'm a teacher. I'm a coach. I'm a person. Cancer just happens to be inside of me and is making my life a little miserable right now. I just want to be treated like you treated me the last time we met. Yes, we can talk about it, but I'm not breakable. Yes, my health will be fragile, but I'm still Doreen. Please treat me as you did yesterday. Love me, trust me and be my friend. I'm still Doreen.

I want compassion, not pity: comfort, not advice

12. I want compassion, not pity; comfort, not advice.

What is the difference between compassion and pity? I know the difference, but not how to explain it. Wikipedia says that pity is:
"Pity evokes a tender or sometimes slightly contemptuous sorrow or empathy for people, a person, or an animal in misery, pain, or distress. In regard to humans, a protective or quasi-paternal feeling of pity may be felt towards marginalized or impoverished people such as homeless families; orphans; people with disabilities or terminal illness, and victims of rape and torture. People who have previously experienced the pain or misfortune in question may feel greater pity. Because pity will often result in the pitier aiding the pitied, some people equate pity with sympathy and assume, therefore, that pity is naturally a positive thing. However, the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche believed that pity causes an otherwise normal person to feel his or her own suffering in an inappropriately intense, alienated way. "Pity makes suffering contagious,"[1] he says in The Antichrist, meaning that it is important for the pitier not to allow him/herself to feel superior to the pitied, lest such a power imbalance result in the pitied retaliating against the help being offered."

It says compassion is:
"is a human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component in what manifests in the social context as altruism. In ethical terms, the various expressions down the ages of the so-called Golden Rule embody by implication the principle of compassion: Do to others what you would have them do to you." (from Wikipedia)

I will invite you to my pity parties but please don't invite me to yours on my behalf. I would rather you invite me to the HopeFULL parties.

I would rather have your comfort, your arms (cyber too) around my shoulder, your hand picking my chin up, you smile spreading from ear to ear, than your advice on how to cure my cancer. I have read tons of books, searched thousands of websites, talked to countless doctors, patients and caregivers. I have more advice than I will ever need. Please don't give me advice. I just need your comfort, your love, your care.

I want you to trust my judgment and my treatment decisions

11. I want you to trust my judgment and my treatment decisions.

I think out of all 20 of the things listed this is the one that I have gotten the most trouble with. Everyone and their dog seems to question my judgment and my treatment decisions. I've been told that because I didn't visit another doctor or clinic I'm not going to be cured. I've been told that I’m a fool for doing "conventional" treatments. I've been told lots of things. All you do is make me second guess my prayerful, thoughtful, studied, logical, emotional and personal decisions. Please know that I have prayed for direction and guidance. I have studied; I have done what I need to do to be well versed in making my OWN decision on the way I am going to treat my cancer. You don't have to agree with me, and I don't have to agree with you. Please do not shun me for saying "thank you, but no." Please support me and trust that what I have decided is right for me.

No one knows how it will come out because each cancer is TOTALLY different in every single individual. There is NEVER a right treatment, only the one that the patient makes after consulting many sources including doctors, clinics, friends and her God.

Please trust me no matter how it comes out. It was my decision. It was not made in a void or in an emotional black hole. My husband and I gathered all the information in front of us, prayed, and decided that we would take this course of treatment.

Please trust me. Please pray for me. Please pray that the treatment decisions I have made will be the ones that work.

Telling me to think positively can make me feel worse

10. Telling me to think positively can make me feel worse.

This kind of sounds counterproductive but telling me to think positive means you think that I wasn't thinking positive. Also, "telling" me doesn't work. Why not just be positive. Some days will be horrible and on those days I will try my best to think positive. I am trying hard to think that the chemotherapy stuff is eating my cancer cells. Help me think that they are doing it too.

Also, don't forget that all my thoughts are real--they are mine, I thought them. I have to deal with them to push through them. I have to deal with the negative thoughts so that I can move into the positive side. One of my favorite scriptures is found in 2 Nephi, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." If we didn't know sorrow we would not know joy. If we didn't know fear, we wouldn't know hope. If I don't visit the negative thoughts then I will not know when I am visiting the positive thoughts. Please, don't let me stay in the negative thoughts; just help me get to the positive by being positive yourself.

I need to feel hope

9. I need to feel hope.

Without hope, life really isn't worth living. I need to feel hope. I need you to help me feel hope. So help me feel hopeful by telling me positive things about life, cancer and my family. Hope gives me courage to get up another day. Hope gives me courage to be a parent not a patient. Hope gives me courage to face another needle, test or report. Hope gives me reason to breathe. Cancer kills and everyone knows that but you don't have to remind me of that every time we talk. Instead remind me how much I have to live for. That doesn’t mean I have to be happy all the time, but I don't want to spend my every waking hour in a pity party. If I want a pity party, I'll throw it myself.

I need to forget--and laugh

8. I need to forget--and laugh.

"I Love to Laugh" is a song from one of my favorite Disney movies Mary Poppins. If you know me you know I use humor a lot in my life. I truly love to laugh. Please help me forget my troubles if only for a few moments by talking about something other than my cancer. Cancer doesn't rule me or my family. It is part of me, but only part. I'm still a human who has other needs. I'm still a mom, a teacher, a coach, an athlete, a friend, a sister, a wife and a person. I have other things going on in my life. Why not ask about those things? I would be more than happy to talk about them. If you can't think of anything, just ask, "Let's talk about something other than cancer. What do you want to talk about?" I would even love to talk about you. But first find a good joke to tell me and let's laugh together!

Asking my permission can spare me pain

7. Asking my permission can spare me pain: emotionally and physically.

I know this will contradict another thing that I want you to do, but please ask me if you can talk about my cancer. I might have had a bad day and not want to talk about it or I may be on my way somewhere where I need my face to be presentable without mascara running down my cheeks. I will be honest and I hope that you will honor my wishes. It isn't because I'm rude, I just might be burnt out or emotionally drained. I also might have other things going on in my life that I would rather talk about (after all life doesn't stop just because you have cancer).

Before you hug me or touch me, ask. I have a port-a-cath in my body that can cause pain if touched in the wrong way. I also may be very susceptible to bruising because my platelets are down. I also may be avoiding contact with other humans because my white blood count is down and the risk of infection or bleeding to death is high in cancer patients. It isn't because I don't want a hug (I do) I just can't have one at this time. Please don't be offended because I don't shake your hand.

I will be honest and hope you take no offense if I say no.

I am terrified

5. I am terrified.

I have said it before and I will say it again: I AM TERRIFIED! When the doctor told me I had cancer my third thought was death. My first and second thoughts were my husband and my children, then I went to death. After I got a grip on life and understood my cancer I found out that my cancer was remissionable. There are survivors who are three or four decades into remission. But those facts still didn't take the terror away from my heart. I still had some very harsh treatments ahead of me. Radiation was tough and chemotherapy is way tough. Each treatment brings about its own set of challenges and terrors.

I am terrified and telling me I'll do fine, though better than most comments, still doesn't abate my terror, but does let me know you are thinking of me and love me. I'm terrified of all the unknown stuff that will or may happen (even death). I'm terrified of what this will do to my family as well. This is scary. This is dangerous. This is terrifying. Please understand that. Please understand when in the middle of a conversation I change the subject and please just let the cancer conversation die.

I need you to listen to me and let me cry

6. I need you to listen to me and let me cry.

There could never be a truer statement for a cancer patient. Sometimes I just need a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I can't just dump on my husband. He needs time too. I need someone to talk to, to cry to and to nod understandingly even if it they don't fully understand the emotional roller coaster I'm on.

Nothing prepares you for this--nothing! I need to process all that is going on with my life and with cancer. I need someone to talk this out with.

I know I do best when I can talk things out. I might never solve anything by talking about them, but I can process them. I think that is why I write so much. It is how I process my feelings, my thoughts and my fears. It would be nice if I had someone with flesh and blood and a warm heart to talk to. Please let me cry and tell me it is okay. We don't have to solve anything. A hug wouldn't hurt either.

I like to hear success stories, not horror stories

4. I like to hear success stories, not horror stories.

This seems obvious to me, but not to the people who talk to me. I already know how precious life can be. I was there when a doctor said, "You have a mass on T12" and that was horrifying. The only thing left to say to me that is more horrifying is "you're dead," and since I will be dead I'm not sure I will hear it anyway.

Here is a secret about cancer patients. They hear this, "Blah, blah, blah, you have cancer, blah, blah, blah, and you are going to die, blah, blah, blah." Even when the doctor said, "We found a mass of cells in ________ organ and we will have to treat them with radiation and chemotherapy. We expect that you will survive this to live another 20 years." We only hear, "You are going to die because you have cancer." That is the first appointment.

So when you tell us about your Aunt Mildred or your cousin Fred who died a horrible death from cancer we only hear, "There is no hope, you are doomed!" Instead try telling us how strong we are or better yet, let's talk about our kids, a great vacation spot or the latest sporting event. Just never tell us the horror stories of cancer; they don't help us heal only frighten us.

I need to know you're here for me

3. I need to know you're here for me (and if you aren't, why not).

I understand where she is coming from with this one, but would rewrite it to read:

"I need to know that my good friends and family are here for me (and if not, why).

Going through this journey can be pretty lonely. Yes, I have my immediate family and they are great, but they are going through the same journey and together we need someone from the outside to help lean on and support us. I don't expect you to be on call 24/7 but when I need you, I need to know that you are there.

Let me know if I can call you or email you any time to rant or rave. And if you can't handle it because it is hard, let me know; I'll understand. I can't handle it at times either.

Cancer is a lonely road to travel, even if you have great support. No one travels it the same way and we all need different support along the way. Just let us know if you are someone we can call upon for support.

It's Ok to say or do the "wrong" thing

1. It's okay to say or do the "wrong" thing.

There are things we as cancer patients don't want to hear, but we aren't sure we know what they are yet. There are things we don't want you do, but we aren't sure what those are yet too. Remember, this is new to us too, even if our cancer was in remission and comes back. We don't know what is "wrong" yet, so go ahead, say or do it; we'll learn together.

One time a dear friend came up to me and was saying the wrong thing and I knew it. I didn't want to stop her because she really didn't know what to say to me. She stopped midway and said, "I'm sorry, Doreen. What I'm saying is a bunch of garbage. Please forgive me. I just don't know what to say." How refreshing for her to admit that. I just smiled and we hugged. I knew what she was saying.

As the person receiving this information, I need to remember that "well meaning" people sometimes just don't know what to say. They usually "step in it" with their words when in reality what they want to say is, "Doreen, I care about you and am thinking about you. I truly wish for the best and since I really don't know what to say, I will say something that might be "wrong". In fact I'm scared for you but want to show support and love." I have to hear the underlying message of fear and yet support and love.

Let's come to an understanding. Please continue to talk to me, but try really hard to remember the things that are on the list and I will remember to listen to the feelings behind the "wrong" message.

I Have Cancer

I picked up a few cancer books at our local book store the other day, even went back for a few more now that I am going through chemotherapy. One of the books is by Lori Hope, a cancer patient herself, titled "Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer want You to Know". Her book is full of ideas that I would like to share. Her book is full of stories and antidotes that you don't have time to read but you still need to know. If I could I would make a tri-fold pamphlet titled: "Shut Up and Read This Before You Open Your Mouth." But that is a bit harsh and I'm not sure I could fit all I want to say on a piece of paper. Instead I will just blog about my feelings and thoughts.

But here is the truth about why I am going to blog about this. My dander is up because of a few things people have said to me now that I have cancer. One very well meaning person (they all are well meaning and just don't know how to deal or talk to me) continues to hound me how it is my diet that made me get cancer. I have another well meaning person tell me it was because of all the stress I have in my life. I've been told that it is just something that God knew I could handle. I was just told via facebook that my emotions have caused my cancer. Supposedly two years ago something "emotionally tragic" happened in my life and it caused my cells to go haywire. Even if any of this is true, it doesn't do one thing to help me feel better or get well. All of the above is just plain garbage. JUST GARBAGE!

First off, people need to understand what cancer really is. If you want a good primer about cancer pick up one of these two books: "Everything You Need to Know About Cancer," by Matthew D. Galsky, MD and "Chemotherapy & Radiation for Dummies," by Alan R. Lyss, MD, Humberto M. Fagundes, MD and Patricia Corrigan (all cancer patients and survivors).

Here in a nutshell is what cancer is, oh, and just so you know--every one has cells that are cancerous, they just have been taken care of by the body's defenses. Everyone of your cells (and you have gazillions in your body) has an instruction manual (DNA) and that instruction manual tells the cell what to do. It may tell it to be a skin cell or a lung cell or a blood cell. Your body is reproducing and replacing cells all the time so the cells use the DNA to know what to do (transfer oxygen, protect your body, transfer signals, etc.) For the most part the Xerox machine does itsjob properly and the cells are exact duplicates. But every now and then some of the instructions don't get copied exactly as they should. Somehow the genes in the cell get smudged and the reproduction is screwed up. The new cells do not know how to die--their instructions are all screwed up and the body doesn't get rid of them before they start piling up. If it is a breast cell then you have breast cancer. If it is a lung cell then it is lung cancer. My haywire cells clumped together in my lymph system. That's why I have Lymphoma (non-Hodgkin's to be exact).

Here is a fact that also will help you understand cancer. The average cancer with average speed in growth will take four years to go from the first haywire replication to a lump the size of a small grape. That is usually when the patient has the first symptom that something is wrong either by feeling or pain. FOUR YEARS!

A few cancers have things that you can to do help them develop but even then it is hard to say that "you caused" your own cancer. Skin, lung and cervical cancer are the only cancers that have a known cause and it is all behavioral. There are many people who get lung cancer who have never smoked or been around an agent that causes lung cancer. There are those who have smoked (excessively so) for years and yet never get lung cancer. Cervical cancer is caused by a virus and of course skin cancer is caused by exposure to sun. There is no way to predict when your cells will go haywire--NO WAY!


Enough ranting, let's get back to the article at hand. The twenty things that Lori Hope thinks you should know are:
1. It's okay to say or do the "wrong" thing.
2. I don't know why I got cancer, and I don't want to hear your theory.
3. I need to know you're here for me (and if you aren't, why not).
4. I like to hear success stories, not horror stories.
5. I am terrified.
6. I need you to listen to me and let me cry.
7. Asking my permission can spare me pain.
8. I need to forget--and laugh.
9. I need to feel hope.
10. Telling me to think positively can make me feel worse.
11. I want you to trust my judgment and my treatment decisions.
12. I want compassion, not pity; comfort, not advice.
13. I am more than my cancer: treat me kindly, not differently.
14. I want you to help without my asking you to.
15. I like to be held in your thoughts or prayers.
16. My moods change from day to day; please forgive me if I snap at you.
17. Hearing platitudes or what's good about cancer can trivialize my feelings.
18. I need you to understand if I don't return your call or want to see you.
19. I want my caregiver to take good care of herself or himself.
20. I don't know if I'm cured, and bringing up my health can bring me down.

In her afterwards she adds some more:
Treat me with kid gloves, but don't let me know it.
I need to be touched (but please ask permission first).
I want to be indulged.
I like it when you express confidence in my ability to make the right decisions.
I want you to help me believe in miracles.
When you say you are going to do something for me, follow through quickly.
Being sick costs a lot; offer to treat meto a meal, maybe even insist.
I want you to be honest with me.
I don't always like to be asked about my cancer.
Don’t tell me I'll be fine.
I don't want to be blamed for having cancer.
Often I want and need quiet.
I am unique, unlike anyone else with cancer.
I don't want to hear how awful I look.
I don't want to be labeled.
I will talk about my cancer, if I feel the need to.
I don't feel contagious or tainted.
I need to have privacy.
It's hard for me to hear about your fears.
I need to believe that I will live through this.
I need to acknowledge my feelings.

And I will add one more:
I need to feel loved.
I read on someone's cancer blog that having cancer is like being led to the door of hell and knocking on it. Satan answers and says, "Oh, you. We aren't ready for you yet. Just wait here." You then sit at hells door waiting, feeling the everlasting fire and torment.
I know what it is to feel that. I have felt that in my quiet reflective moments. But I have also felt the opposite. I have felt the love of those that surround me, pray for me and visit me. I have felt those words that are spoken in the poem "Footprints."

"Sometimes there are two sets of footprints,
Other times there is one set of footprints."

I know it isn't just God who has carried me through this trial, but those that truly can leave physical footprints.