I am terrified

5. I am terrified.

I have said it before and I will say it again: I AM TERRIFIED! When the doctor told me I had cancer my third thought was death. My first and second thoughts were my husband and my children, then I went to death. After I got a grip on life and understood my cancer I found out that my cancer was remissionable. There are survivors who are three or four decades into remission. But those facts still didn't take the terror away from my heart. I still had some very harsh treatments ahead of me. Radiation was tough and chemotherapy is way tough. Each treatment brings about its own set of challenges and terrors.

I am terrified and telling me I'll do fine, though better than most comments, still doesn't abate my terror, but does let me know you are thinking of me and love me. I'm terrified of all the unknown stuff that will or may happen (even death). I'm terrified of what this will do to my family as well. This is scary. This is dangerous. This is terrifying. Please understand that. Please understand when in the middle of a conversation I change the subject and please just let the cancer conversation die.