There is a show on PBS that has Hercule Periot saying talking about his "little grey cells". Well I want to talk about my little red cells.
Those very important red blood cells that carry oxygen to your body are not properly working in my body. Of course they have been poisoned a bit and are having a hard time regenerating at a rate that is necessary for me to function 100%. Right now I'm feeling it hard. My circulation is so poor that my fingers and toes tingle almost all the time. Yesterday I was plagued with leg and foot cramps. I tried to go for a run today and was able to run 10 minutes before I had to walk a few minute and for the rest of my 30 minute run it was the same. Run a little and then walk. I'm so tired of being sick.
This also leads to a lack of iron in the blood and therefore tired and weak muscles. I might actually have to go in for an "infusion" of iron. I'm just waiting for the phone calls this week. Infusion appointment (if needed) and my scan. I truly can feel the muscle weakness. It is so frustrating because I want so much be out and doing. My yard needs help. I have a marathon to run in 4 months and I'm not properly training for it. I had sewing I need to get done and there is something about working and schooling...
We are now coming upon 12 months. In fact the pain started over 12 months ago, It just wasn't bad enough to go visit a doctor until July 8, 2009. Boy how I remember those dates. It has been a hard year.
I feel it especially as my wedding anniversary is coming up this week. My poor husband has been through a year of hell. His lovely bride has turned into Frankenstein. I wish I could make this all better. I wish I could take away the bills that are coming in. I wish I could make his a wonderful dinner (I'm not a good cook). I wish I could take him out to dinner ($ and exposure prevent that). I just wish I could put a smile on his face again. He has been through hell this past year. I just hope that when this part if over and I'm in remission (oh what a sweet word) that we celebrate at least 30 more anniversaries. BTW--it will be 21 years on June 30. I can't believe he stuck with me all these years. I would have walked out a long time ago ~smile~
Kissing
I think kissing was so over rated. Not, really, but now that I can't do it, boy do I miss it! Because of my very low white blood cell counts I have to be so careful about human contact (other contact too) that I haven't really kissed my husband since my first chemo appointment back in April. My kids too! How awful is that? Well, let me tell you--it is VERY, VERY awful!
I try hard not to shake hands or give hugs--cheek to cheek hugs. I feel so bad to be so stand-offish but I so desperately don't want to go spend a night in the hospital. After listening to that man they other day at chemo have to miss his very last treatment because of a low blood count I think maybe I'm making the right decisions. But I still miss kissing.
I even wore a raincoat, hat, mask, gloves and had very little skin showing the other day when we were outside cleaning up the yard. The bacteria in the dirt and all the animal waste can do great damage to my system--ICU time! But I still miss kissing.
But I do miss kissing. I miss kissing the few kids that will let me still kiss them. I really miss kissing my husband good bye in the morning and hello when he comes home. At least I can still hold his hand (and then use hand sanitizer).
To make things worse, I have spent the last two days in bed (just coming off chemo so I'm very tired) and have been watching "kissing movies". Also a few days ago I was watching my son getting snugly with his girl friend. Oh, how I would love to snuggle with my husband once again. I'm hoping that in a few more months I will be able to kiss again. That would be wonderful, because I miss kissing!
Kissing isn't overrated--I just want some of it!
My Daughter's Homework Assignment
What My Mom's Cancer has Taught Me.
by Jessie
My mom's cancer has taught me that sometimes life can suck. My mom is going through a lot of pain. Cancer hurts my feelings and hurts other people's feelings. Cancer sucks sometimes. Cancer puts you at the verge of death. Cancer is very scary. Cancer hurts feelings and breaks people's hearts. And that breaks my heart and mades me sad.
by Jessie
My mom's cancer has taught me that sometimes life can suck. My mom is going through a lot of pain. Cancer hurts my feelings and hurts other people's feelings. Cancer sucks sometimes. Cancer puts you at the verge of death. Cancer is very scary. Cancer hurts feelings and breaks people's hearts. And that breaks my heart and mades me sad.
Finishing is Just the Begining
Awake at 3:30 am on Sunday, May 2, 2010, I'm thinking about what brought me to where I was right then and there. How did I get here? What brought me to this up scale hotel in a foreign country to do something so brutal and crazy? How did I get here? Do I even remember the story?
It started in the summer of 2009 when crippling back pain drove me to put on my tennis shoes and take a walk. While the medical field was looking for what caused the pain on the inside and handed out narcotics like candy, I took to my neighborhood streets. The only "natural" pain relief I could get was to move and walking seemed to be the ticket. My poor little dog took many of the walks with me. I would use narcotics as much as I could but they really knock me out and as a mom to six kids with places to be and go, I needed to be alert and not knocked out on drugs so I did a lot of walking.
I walked while the doctors took their time (or so it seemed) to figure out why I hurt so much. I'm not a stranger to pain and I don't complain too much so there had to be something. My women's doctor sent me to a Urologist who found kidney stones so I took two weeks trying to pass them, but the pain was still there. Off to my general doctor who sent me for x-rays and finally a MRI. All the time I was stepping on their scales and noticing that the numbers were going down. How cool! My back pain was forcing me to get out walking and the number on my scale was going down. I had to find the positive in this.
I looked at the calendar and noticed that soccer season was right around the corner and so were the rains. I knew that once those things start I would find an excuse not to get out there and walk or run as walking was no longer sastifying to me. Running also limited the number of stops for my dog to stop and sniff and I need to keep moving to help stop the pain. I thought that maybe if I had a goal to run for that I might continue when things were tough. I started looking for marathons six months out. I picked a few and almost signed up, but I thought maybe I should figure out the back pain before I laid down Steve's hard earned money. Little did I know that the MRI my doctor ordered would change my life forever.
It was during that MRI that a mass was found on my back. Ten days, three biopsies and four scans later I was in Dr. Kraemer's exam room when he told me that I had Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I'm sure he said a lot of things that day but all I remember was the word: CANCER!
After I went home I spent the night on the computer figuring out what type of cancer I had and how I was going to beat it. I visited many websites yet spent most of my research time at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) website. I clicked on almost every link they had there. I learned so much but processed very little. The next day I was back there trying to learn a lot more and processes even more than the day before. This went on for a few days. Every time I was there I would click on the Team In Training (TNT) website. It was always on the right hand side. I did nothing about it but file the information in my brain, just like all the other information I was gathering at the time.
The back pain was still very intense and the only relief was either to knock it out with narcotics or run. By now I had bought a pair of $100 running shoes and was running five days a week every morning. I was only running 30 minutes and probably only going about 2 miles, but I was out there killing the pain. I sometimes would sneak in another run before soccer if the pain was too much. I was using the narcotics at night so I could drive my kids and function like a mom.
The doctors still had a few more tests to run before they started radiation treatment so I suffered in pain for a couple more weeks. Once I had passed the third day of radiation the pain was almost gone. One night I actually didn't take Vicodin to go to sleep. (It was actually a mistake because my brain wouldn't shut off and I really didn't get a good night's rest because of worry.) I was almost pain free! I didn't need to run during the day. I didn't HAVE to run! But by now I was hooked. My weight was still falling and I really enjoyed my 30 minutes of solitude with old 80's music running through my ears. Could it be possible for the girl who told her track coach, "I don't run anything over 400 meter, I just throw," was enjoying running two miles five times a week?
I still was spending time on the computer trying to figure out how to beat cancer. I kept going to the LLS site and of course the TNT site kept staring at me.
Of course I had to let my three soccer teams know that their coach was fighting cancer. I told the kids and also their parents. One of the players came up to me and told me why one of my players wasn't playing this season; he had Leukemia. I went home and sent him an email of support and love. I know first hand what it feels like to have someone say, "You have cancer." I wanted to reach out to him and tell him he wasn't alone and that I was praying for him.
About a week later his mom sent me a little care package through that soccer player. In it was a flyer for Team in Training (TNT). Once again I visited their website only this time I clicked on "First Time Here" and did the second stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. I signed up for an information clinic. I went. There I did the stupidest thing, I signed the form that said, "I would raise $2900 and run in the Vancouver BMO half marathon."
So, as I am trying to go back to sleep that Sunday morning and thinking back on this story, I'm here because I signed my name to a paper and I try to honor my obligations. Sleep escapes me and my heart is beating faster and my stomach is doing flips flops I think back to the summer and fall of 2009 and what else besides "obligations" got me to the wonderful bed.
I give up trying to go back to sleep and decide to take a shower. This swanky hotel has one heck of a shower and so I take a rather long one which gives me time to think about "the rest of the story".
After signing the contract to raise money and run, I had to go to work. I had to raise $2900 and then spend five months running the schedule they handed me at the information meeting. The running schedule looks doable, but the money... that is a lot of money. I posted a message on facebook and got a few people to drop a few dollars in my account. I spent the weekend formulating an email to broadcast to every one who has ever sent me and email or to whom I sent an email. By Monday I had raised $2900 and had a friend tell me that if I raised $5000 his foundation would match it. My fundraising was done and I hadn't even gone to one team practice. Now I had to train. I also had to get rid of the cancer inside my body.
Running became therapy in itself. My doctors told me that the major side effect of radiation, fatigue, was lessened by exercise. No wonder I sailed through radiation--twice--with minimal side effects. One thing I had to be careful of was running more than the training chart told me to. It was so tempting to run longer or more often because in February the pain came back. I had to wait until March before they could image me again and find what was causing the pain yet again.
I marveled at how fast medicine can work and yet how slow it seems. What seemed like an eternity was really only a month, but after countless blood tests, alphabet scans and exams, Dr. Kraemer said, "We will have to do chemotherapy." I only had two questions: "When do we start?" and "Can I still run in two weeks?" He just smiled and said, "Monday we will place the port and Tuesday we will start chemotherapy." He didn't say anything about running, he just smiled.
The surgeon who placed the port on a Monday, April 19 made me promise to wait seven days before I ran, so I did. I had to anyway because the bone ache from chemotherapy was so bad I could barely walk and I was so tired I don't know if I could have run up my driveway. So on Tuesday, seven days after surgery and five days before my race, I laced up my shoes and hit the road. It was a disaster! My port jiggled way too much and forced me to change my gait which caused my knees to hurt. The emotional part was even worse. I knew I was not going to be able to run in six days.
I had spent over six months and put on over 550 miles on my feet and I wasn't going to let a stupid port stop me from running. I wasn't going to let down hundreds of donors who helped me raise over $10,000 for the society. I wasn't going to let cancer beat me! I was going to finish!
Two days later Steve taped my port and I went out for a test run. It worked! I was going to cross the finish line.
Later that day the phone call came that would change it all. My white blood count was way too low. If it didn't go up then I would not be running. I couldn't be in a crowd. The danger of infection was too great. I had a 1:30 Friday blood draw and if I get an 8.5 then I could go. There is nothing you can do to raise a blood count, it is totally up to the body to produce the cells. The only thing I could do was pray. Pray I did.
Friday I hung around the clinic as they counted my white blood cells. I made small talk with nurses, changed a few appointments and in walked Dr. Kraemer. The nurse handed him my results and with a sly smile he said, "Go and win."
I find myself in the shower, water pouring over my head at 4:30 am in Vancouver, BC. My tummy is jumping and turning flip flops still. I dry off and realize that I have over an hour before I have to be down stairs to take the bus to the starting line. Down stairs waiting for me will be some of the neatest people on earth. They are my Team in Training running mates, mentors, coaches and friends.
Those coaches got me through some of the hardest running days, blisters on toes, achy knees, questions that never ended and they were going to get me through this marathon, literally. Zach, Jay and Lisa are my heroes! They devised a plan so that over the course I wouldn't have to take a drink from the water stops. (Dr. Kraemer was very thankful and so am I.) Those mentors, team mates and friends were going to get me through the race.
I have enough time to put some make-up on so I do. I try to eat something; can only stomach a half of pancake with peanut butter on it. I get Steve to come wrap my port up and give me a final "good luck" kiss before I'm off to the starting line.
Thankfully my teammates will be able to tell me what I need to do. This is my first marathon after all and I have no clue what to do. Potty stop first, then walk into the starting chute. Make small chat while we wait for the gun. Off it goes and off we go.
Coach Lisa, teammates, Amy, Ilana, Karen and Judy escorting me we make our way through the mass crowd of runners. I'm still wondering how I got here. Obligation, medical clearance and friends still doesn't answer the question of why I'm here running in the rain with 14,000 other crazy people.
I'm not sure how far the hotel is from the starting line, but as we round the corner near the hotel I see the reason I'm out here running. I see six beautiful children and one very handsome husband cheering, "Go mom!" They are out there in the rain cheering for me! That's why I am here. That's why I am going to run 13.1 miles on May 2, 2010. It wasn't for the obligation, the medical clearance or those friends next to me, but for those seven human beings cheering "Go mom!"
Those thoughts are the ones that propel me up Prospect Point when I want to lose my breakfast and dinner. The thought of them make my legs continue to move forward. Then as we come out of beautiful Stanley Park there they are again! They are at the very place I need them at the 11 mile mark when it is so hard to pick up my feet and put them down. I need the reminder of why I was running.
The last couple of miles I chant, "Kray, Jay, Mike, Matt, Chris, Jess, Steve" over and over and over. Each stride has a name.
The finish line comes into focus and I am going to cross it even though my legs are screaming at me. I truly don't recall my thought process at that point except I remember thinking, "I did it! I finished the race." My mind was so focused I don't even remember the crowd cheering. The guy on the loud speaker said my name, "Nellie Doreen" and something about it being my first half marathon but I missed all that as I crossed.
It was an outer body experience crossing the finish line. Somehow I gave Lisa the biggest hug of my life. She got me up Prospect Point, through nausea, through muscle fatigue and over the finish line. Ilana, Kathy and Judy carried my extra water, but they weren't there yet, but they deserved a hug too.
I found myself in a wheel chair as I felt my blood pressure drop. I have low blood pressure to begin with and after a long run it drops quickly and dramatically. I knew it was going to happen and it did. I spent a few minutes in the medical tent getting fluid and having my blood pressure checked. After pushing some fluids, trying to get warm (I was soaking wet from all the rain) and fighting off leg cramps, Steve was able to come pick me up. Thankfully they finally let me go and I was on my way to the hotel to get showered and warm.
This journey was just short of a year in the making with so many twists and turns I'm not sure I could draw a road map. I'm sure that even though back in November when I signed the contract to run the finish line was in Vancouver, I found out that this finish line is just the beginning. It is the beginning of something grand. I wish I could tell you where this journey ends because I would like to know myself. I just know that along this journey I need all those things that made this part of the journey possible: I need an obligation, a support team outside my family, a medical team and I desperately need my family. The finish line I crossed in Vancouver in 2 hours 15 minutes and 36 seconds is just the beginning. I have so much more to accomplish in my life and if I can do this under these conditions then I can do just about anything.
This is just the beginning.
Thinking about Mom
It is Mother's Day in the United States. It is a hard day for a lot of the female population. I remember when it was a hard day for me to. I spent the first two years of our marriage begging God for a child without success. I remember hating going to church on that day as I felt someone less of a woman. Little did I know how much mothering I was doing to children that weren't my own and yet I touched.
The couple of families I babysat and the youth I would teach. They were mothered by me. Of course I didn't think this mattered, but now as a mother I know how much it matters to me that there are others out there mothering and fathering my children. After all they don't listen to me, maybe something someone else says will sink in and make a difference. That is the prayer I pray each night now.
Then I was blessed six times over! I truly count each one of my kids as a blessing from God. He trusted me enough with these precious souls. Wow! What trust.
But today my thoughts go to my own mother who has left me here on earth by myself, or at least there are some days I feel all alone. As I have been thinking about her these passed few days because of some very hard things that I have had to deal with, I have stopped to count my blessings. She was a super hero to me. She did so much and I was so ungrateful. She put up with so much and still smiled. I remember one day when I saw this photo in a photo book she had.
She is about 17 in this photo and at the time I was 12. I was doing some report in school on someone in my family. I don't recall why I picked my mom, but I did. I even asked to use this photo and she let me. She must have been really trusting. The reason I picked this photo was for the first time I really stopped and looked at my mom. She wasn't the "old lady" who was my mom. I didn't see her "knobby hands" (her words, not mine). I saw a woman who was beautiful. She wasn't just a mom that day to me, she was a young girl. I don't remember why it hit me so hard, but it did and to this day I can't but help think of that a-ha moment when I look at that photo of my mom. She is a beautiful woman, not just my mom.
We had a rocky spot while I was a teen. I remember later her telling me that I was a difficult teen. I thought I was a darn good teen. As a mom of teens now I don't know how she made it through me, but back then I knew I had my head screwed on correctly, knew where I was going and I knew I would be OK. I'm sure those were the opposite thoughts of my mom and I did give her a fright.
The day I realized how much she meant to me was the day she pulled away from my first college apartment. I was just 18 and she had just left me 800 miles away from every friend and my family. How was I going to make it by myself without her? Worse was that it was going to take her at least 12 hours to make it home and so I had 12 hours before I could hear her voice (remember this is before cell phones--I'm old). Of course I wasn't going to admit it, but dang I wanted her then. I remember crying and yet trying to be brave. I did have an older brother in town if I needed him, but that didn't lessen the miss, I still missed her. Calling her was going to be sporadic as both of us had very little money for phone calls. Email didn't exist and so I wrote her weekly. Oh, how I wish I had those letters. I would laugh now reading them, but I'd still like to read them.
The above photo was taken the week I left for college in my back yard. I remember her saying she wanted a shot with me before I left. I'm so glad I took this photo and didn't wait until the perfect day.
During my first year at BYU, I remember after one horrifying date coming home and the first thing I did was call home. I had to call collect and thankfully she was home. "I called to tell you I was OK mom," I told her. "I knew you would be worried." She told me she always worried about me and always prayed for me. I'm sure she was truthful, but I'm also sure she had no idea what type of hell I had just endured. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that I heard my mother's voice and the words that she loved me and was always worried about me.
Then I got married and was able to call my mom more often. Boy did I feel richer.
She was the person I called often when I needed help, encouragement or direction from her. I remember her telling me that I was entitled to all the inspiration I needed from above. I remember her telling me that I was a good mother and that I had been raised well. She was right! I was raised well and right!
Boy I miss my mom. I miss her wise counsel. I miss her calm voice. I miss her warm smile. I miss her conversation. I miss her. But she gave me everything I ever needed. I just have to remember it all. Thankfully I know every now and then I hear her voice and she is always saying exactly what I need to know.
Mom, Happy Mother's Day!
Thank you!
No Hair
If you are a faithful reader of this blog (and I probably only have one or two) then you might be interested in my caring bridge website http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/doreenblanding
I have posted more frequently my thoughts over there. But I try only to post cancer related stuff there and more me stuff here. I may have cancer, but cancer doesn't have me. I'm still Doreen!
But part of me left on Friday. Steve shaved my head. He had too. My hair was falling out in hand fulls and it was looking pretty bad. I didn't want him too. I wasn't ready for it, but it had to be done. He was mean to me and put me on a chair and then just did it! OUCH! It wasn't physically painful but it was heart breaking to watch my hair, my long hair fall to the ground. I had spent three years growing it out and there it was in piles on the deck.
I'm getting use to the wig. It is itchy and hot and not everyone recognizes me. I need to get some scarves and hats. This isn't just a week long thing, but I'll be like this for about a year. I've got to make the best of it.
My kids wouldn't even look at me on Friday. This must be so hard on them. I'm so sorry they have to go through this. At least they are still hugging me.
A woman's hair is so much a part of her. Just look at the ads on TV, in magazines, on billboards, etc. Women spend a small fortune on their hair. It is part of what makes them a woman. That part of me is gone. Anything I do to my head now is fake. It isn't me. That part is so hard. I know that under whatever covering I put on is a bald woman. That part is so hard to get over. But what is worse is I didn't get to choose to be bald. I know a few movie stars shaved their heads, but it was a choice they made. My choice was stripped from me when cancer invaded my body. I guess you can say I choose it by doing chemotherapy, but I really didn't have a choice. I have to remind myself that I'm still a woman because part of that is gone and is now fake and will be for a while!
This is a hard adjustment, but one I'm going to have to make. Sometimes when we start a journey, even a journey that we didn't choose, we have to go down roads we don't want to and this bald road is one I didn't want to go down and put off as long as I could. Yes, I've been courageous, but I've also been human. This one is hard.
I have posted more frequently my thoughts over there. But I try only to post cancer related stuff there and more me stuff here. I may have cancer, but cancer doesn't have me. I'm still Doreen!
But part of me left on Friday. Steve shaved my head. He had too. My hair was falling out in hand fulls and it was looking pretty bad. I didn't want him too. I wasn't ready for it, but it had to be done. He was mean to me and put me on a chair and then just did it! OUCH! It wasn't physically painful but it was heart breaking to watch my hair, my long hair fall to the ground. I had spent three years growing it out and there it was in piles on the deck.
I'm getting use to the wig. It is itchy and hot and not everyone recognizes me. I need to get some scarves and hats. This isn't just a week long thing, but I'll be like this for about a year. I've got to make the best of it.
My kids wouldn't even look at me on Friday. This must be so hard on them. I'm so sorry they have to go through this. At least they are still hugging me.
A woman's hair is so much a part of her. Just look at the ads on TV, in magazines, on billboards, etc. Women spend a small fortune on their hair. It is part of what makes them a woman. That part of me is gone. Anything I do to my head now is fake. It isn't me. That part is so hard. I know that under whatever covering I put on is a bald woman. That part is so hard to get over. But what is worse is I didn't get to choose to be bald. I know a few movie stars shaved their heads, but it was a choice they made. My choice was stripped from me when cancer invaded my body. I guess you can say I choose it by doing chemotherapy, but I really didn't have a choice. I have to remind myself that I'm still a woman because part of that is gone and is now fake and will be for a while!
This is a hard adjustment, but one I'm going to have to make. Sometimes when we start a journey, even a journey that we didn't choose, we have to go down roads we don't want to and this bald road is one I didn't want to go down and put off as long as I could. Yes, I've been courageous, but I've also been human. This one is hard.
One more in the nest
Doreen, Steve, Mike & Chad
Mike & Grant
Joining the Ranks!
Mom gets her pin!
We are sooooo HAPPY!
ONE PROUD MOM!
I haven't held many jobs in my life and quite frankly they have all been pretty great jobs. The only job that I absolutely hated was being a janitor at
BYU
my first
semester
. Thankfully I had a professor who saw it and quickly got me out of there! I had another job that wasn't so great, but since I didn't "have" to have it, I walked away. But there is one job that takes the cake in both positive and negative. Well, it really isn't negative, it is more frustrating! That is being a MOM!
I love it! Love it! Love it! Especially when it is going great! But this week has been awesome even with all I've been going through.
Last Saturday April 17, I told the kids that since I was starting chemotherapy our house had to be cleaned. Not only because I was going to be sick, but because people would be coming over and we needed to clean it up. I went for my usual team run in the morning and when I got home at 11 the kids had each of their rooms picked up and were ready for the common areas. With
every one's
--
EVERY ONE'S
--help we were done top to bottom, side to side by 1! Some even stopped to eat!!! I cried! For the most part we all got along and my house was wonderful! Jessie even helped me in my own bathroom (how come mine is always so dirty?).
Then I had surgery on Monday and the kids were great! They helped with soccer practices and dinner and everything! Tuesday I had chemo and they did another great job in getting kids to soccer practices etc. Of course they needed reminders about cleaning up their jobs, but they didn't complain and got them done.
Wednesday, Thursday and even today, they willingly got in and got their jobs done and most did more than they were asked. I can't believe it! What great kids I have.
Steve has been very busy at work and worrying about me and I've been down with chemo effects, so the kids had to pick up even more. They are just awesome! I love them.
And to top it off TONIGHT SON #3 GETS AWARDED HIS EAGLE SCOUT AWARD!
I am one proud MOM!
Today I proudly wear the title of mom to
Jessie, Chris, Matt, Mike, Jason &
Kray
!
Hey, kids, I love you!
YOU ARE GREAT!
PS: I'll post pictures of my kids after tonight's court of honor.
The Wish of my Heart - part two
Last Sunday I was asked to give a talk on two of my favorite conference talks from April 2010. I haven't heard or read them all so I'm not sure these are my favorite, but this is the talk I gave. I hope you enjoy.
Recently in my personal scripture study I read the well known plea of Alma, "Oh that I were an angel and could have the wish of my heart…" His wish was to cry repentance unto all nations. It made me think about what my wish--my ONE wish--of my heart is.
As I have thought about it and the things I wish I could have, I made a list.
A slim body
A stuffed bank account
My mom
My sister
My father-in-law
Cured from cancer
All of those are great things to wish for, but it isn't the one wish I have. Even with me facing surgery in 24 hours and the start of chemotherapy in 36, my wish is the same as Lehi's. That all of my children will cling to the iron rod and that there will be no "empty chairs" (as president Eyring said) around the dinner table in heaven. As I have pondered on this and struggled with the idea that if the Lord was granting wishes this weekend--one to every one who asked--my wish would not be for healing but for a surety that all of my children will never let go of the iron rod and that it would lead them to the Holy Temple where they too will make one of the most beautiful and sacred covenants that assures them to be at our family's table in Heaven. That is the wish of my heart.
As many of you know I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma late last summer. We were hoping that a round of radiation would knock it out. But that didn’t happen. The second round didn't do it either and now we are staring the last treatment option available: chemotherapy. As I face this treatment I have to have hope. Hope in my doctors and nurses. Hope in the researchers. Hope in the treatment. I have studied what I will go through. I've learned more about cancer than I ever wanted to know. Cancer books, pamphlets and literature have filled my waking moments. I know a lot about what is about to happen to me. Because of that I have hope.
I have studied the scriptures and the Plan of Salvation and I know what is going to happen. Because of that I have hope.
In Elder Andersen's talk "The Rock of Our Redeemer" he talks about hope. He talks about how the saints in 1846 were forced in February to cross a frozen Mississippi to escape the persecution of the Illinois mobs. My family was in those companies that crossed the river and then proceeded to walk to Salt Lake. I have read their journals. It is true they were full of hope. Hope for a place to live in peace. Hope for a place where they could worship Heavenly Father and Jesus their Savior without having one eye and ear open to spot trouble lurking outside. They were full of hope. They had hope because they have built up their faith. But it wasn't faith in Joseph Smith or Brigham Young or even themselves. It was faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. They had faith that led them to hope.
"Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope."
I quote Elder Andersen:
"Hope comes from faith in Jesus Christ. He has already overcome the world and has promised that He will wipe away our tears if we will only turn to Him and believe and follow.
Some who at this very moment feel desperate or discouraged may wonder how they can possibly regain hope. If you are one of those, remember that hope comes as a result of faith. If we would build our hope, we must build our faith.
Faith in the Savior requires more than mere belief. The Apostle James taught that even the devils believe and tremble. But true faith requires work. The difference between the devils and the faithful members of this Church is not belief but work. Faith grows by keeping the commandments. We must work at keeping the commandments. From the Bible Dictionary we read that “miracles do not produce faith but strong faith is developed by obedience to the gospel of Jesus Christ; in other words, faith comes by righteousness.”
"When we strive to keep the commandments of God, repenting of our sins and promising our best efforts to follow the Savior, we begin to grow in confidence that through the Atonement everything will be all right. Those feelings are confirmed by the Holy Ghost, who drives from us what our pioneer mothers and fathers called “our useless cares.” In spite of our trials, we are filled with a sense of well-being and feel to sing with them that indeed “all is well.""
And those who are righteous do indeed reap the blessings of miracles. I have witnessed and been part of many miracles.
As I have been reading the Book of Mormon recently I came upon Alma's words to the people of Gideon found in Alma 7. He testifies of the Savior and in it says this:
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
Our Savior didn't just suffer in the Garden for those who had sin. The drops of blood weren't just for those who stole or murdered, no they were for you and me--those who live a relatively righteous and good life. They were for the physical pains of illness of heart ache. He did so because he who would comfort us, needed to know what it felt like to have that physical pain, that physical heart ache. Those drops were so he could "know according to the flesh how to succor" me.
Elder Andersen said:
"I speak to all who suffer, to all who mourn, to all who now face or who will yet face trials and challenges in this life. My message is to all who are worried or afraid or discouraged. My message is but an echo, a reminder of the constant comforting counsel from a loving Father to His children since the world began.
“Remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.”
It is now for me to use my faith and hope in my Savior to ask for that succor and those miracles and blessings that our family so needs at this time. It is through our faith that our family has hope.
Elder Oaks talked about priesthood blessings for the sick. Many of us didn't not get to hear this talk since he gave it in the Priesthood session, but I urge you to read it, it is powerful.
He talks about five parts of blessings of the sick, but I will only talk about two: Faith & The will of the Lord.
"Faith is essential for healing by the powers of heaven. The Book of Mormon even teaches that “if there be no faith among the children of men God can do no miracle among them”. In a notable talk on administering to the sick, President Spencer W. Kimball said: “The need of faith is often underestimated. The ill one and the family often seem to depend wholly on the power of the priesthood and the gift of healing that they hope the administering brethren may have, whereas the greater responsibility is with him who is blessed. . . . The major element is the faith of the individual when that person is conscious and accountable. ‘Thy faith hath made thee whole’ was repeated so often by the Master that it almost became a chorus.”
As Elder Andersen taught us, it is through obedience and our righteousness that we build up our faith in Jesus Christ. And it is through that faith that we gain hope. I do not think I could walk this path that the Lord has asked me to walk without hope. It is too much to ask of anyone. There has been too much sadness and trials in my life to continue, or so the world tells me, but like Job I have faith enough to hope for better things. And if not in this life in the next. I do not want to miss it.
Aligning my will with the Lord's is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I don't know why for over 40 plus years I have fought him over this--I always lose, but I continue to question his time table. Our natural man asks the "why?" questions and our spiritual man asks the "what now?" questions of the Lord. Or better yet, they reply, "Here am I, send me." or as Nephi said, "I will go and do…"
Elder Oaks said, "As children of God, knowing of His great love and His ultimate knowledge of what is best for our eternal welfare, we trust in Him. The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and faith means trust."
I have faith. I have faith that he truly did suffer the pains of cancer, the heart break of motherhood and the heart break of losing those you love.
I have trust. I can trust that his will is the will that I need to align myself with but I must first ask to know his will.
I have hope. Hope that no matter where this journey takes me here on earth, I know where it will end in heaven. I know that I will be sitting in one of those chairs with the others in my family who have held to the Iron Rod and lived righteously and joyously here on earth. My one wish is that those whom I love so dearly, my husband and my children will be there too. I know that my sister, my mother and my father-in-law are there waiting for us to finish our earthly mission and to take our seats at the table. My one wish is that my children will hold to the Rod, taste the fruit and have their feet firmly planted on the Rock of their Redeemer.
In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
The Wish of My Heart
A very popular verse among missionaries is found in Alma 29. "Oh that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart,"
Of course the rest of the verse is the what Alma wishes he could do: cry repentance unto every one.
But what is my one wish?
My one wish is this that my children will hold to the Iron Rod and follow it into the Temple of the Lord with a righteous mate who will make them the most happy person in the world. I know what great happiness comes when one does just that. I know what joy comes from being with the love of your life. I know great no other great joy and happiness.
We are told that if we desire something hard enough we will move heaven and earth to make it happen. That is great assuming as it is something we have control over. Of course I do not have control over my children's agency, but I truly desire that they all be in attendance in heaven. I do not want one of them to be missing.
If that is my true one wish of my heart then I will do what I need to do. I will continue to do as Elder Bednar says and be consistent with family scripture study and family home evening. I will be consistent with not allowing filth and ugliness in my home. I will set guards around to keep the evil out. I will move heaven and earth for my one wish.
Oh, that I were an angel and could have the wish of my heart. I truly wish that my children will never release the Iron Rod and that it will take them to the Temple so that the chain may be lengthened and strengthened. I truly wish that the sealing power of heaven will bind this family forever.
Of course the rest of the verse is the what Alma wishes he could do: cry repentance unto every one.
But what is my one wish?
My one wish is this that my children will hold to the Iron Rod and follow it into the Temple of the Lord with a righteous mate who will make them the most happy person in the world. I know what great happiness comes when one does just that. I know what joy comes from being with the love of your life. I know great no other great joy and happiness.
We are told that if we desire something hard enough we will move heaven and earth to make it happen. That is great assuming as it is something we have control over. Of course I do not have control over my children's agency, but I truly desire that they all be in attendance in heaven. I do not want one of them to be missing.
If that is my true one wish of my heart then I will do what I need to do. I will continue to do as Elder Bednar says and be consistent with family scripture study and family home evening. I will be consistent with not allowing filth and ugliness in my home. I will set guards around to keep the evil out. I will move heaven and earth for my one wish.
Oh, that I were an angel and could have the wish of my heart. I truly wish that my children will never release the Iron Rod and that it will take them to the Temple so that the chain may be lengthened and strengthened. I truly wish that the sealing power of heaven will bind this family forever.
Alma 7--all about Empathy
For the past 10-12 years (can't remember what baby was born when it started) the Relief Society in the ward I belonged to started something so wonderful. It is called "Women's Study Group". It is a simple Sunday School type class held every Wednesday morning during the school year. We take our time since we have no syllabus to follow. We took a year to do the Gospels. A year to do Paul's writings. We took a year to do Isaiah and it looks like it will take us three years to do the Book of Mormon.
We have spent the majority of this year in Mosiah and Alma. It truly has been a blessing to me. With all the things that I have to do, this has made studying the scriptures more meaningful and insightful. I would like to spend a few posts on what I have learned while studying. Mostly it is just my scattered brain thinking but I find by putting them in print I cement them in my mind.
As you know I have been battling cancer since the summer of 2009. It is a constantly moving and changing treatment plan and every day brings for new trials and challenges. Today I'm waiting on a new diagnosis as it might not be Lymphoma after all. I can not tell you how emotionally hard this has been to deal with. Some days I feel like I'm doing this all by myself and no one understands what I'm going through. I know I now have a better appreciation for all cancer patients and their families. I now have empathy. Which brings me to my discovery.
When I was a little girl I had heard and of course read that Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, suffered for our sins and our afflictions. I really didn't understand that fully (and doubt I still do) but now have a better grasp into a new favorite verse of mine.
Alma is talking to the people of Gideon and is prophesying about Christ and his role while here on earth. He talks about his birth and then it talks about how he will "go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people." (verse 11)
"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."
I can not tell you how much these two verses give me comfort. I have often wonder if he knew what pains--physical and emotional pains--I bare. He does and it says he knows this so he can know how to succor his people. The word succor means "help, relief, aid or assistance".
I can't count the times I have been asked, "What can I do?" I don't know. Physically right now there is nothing to do. Emotionally I need a soft shoulder, a listening ear and an unjudging heart.
That is what my Savior gives me. A soft shoulder, a listening ear and a unjudging heart. I just need to remember to turn to him daily for my succor.
He knows "according to the flesh" my sufferings, pains and my afflictions. He, only He knows. That is true empathy.
We have spent the majority of this year in Mosiah and Alma. It truly has been a blessing to me. With all the things that I have to do, this has made studying the scriptures more meaningful and insightful. I would like to spend a few posts on what I have learned while studying. Mostly it is just my scattered brain thinking but I find by putting them in print I cement them in my mind.
As you know I have been battling cancer since the summer of 2009. It is a constantly moving and changing treatment plan and every day brings for new trials and challenges. Today I'm waiting on a new diagnosis as it might not be Lymphoma after all. I can not tell you how emotionally hard this has been to deal with. Some days I feel like I'm doing this all by myself and no one understands what I'm going through. I know I now have a better appreciation for all cancer patients and their families. I now have empathy. Which brings me to my discovery.
When I was a little girl I had heard and of course read that Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, suffered for our sins and our afflictions. I really didn't understand that fully (and doubt I still do) but now have a better grasp into a new favorite verse of mine.
Alma is talking to the people of Gideon and is prophesying about Christ and his role while here on earth. He talks about his birth and then it talks about how he will "go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people." (verse 11)
"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."
I can not tell you how much these two verses give me comfort. I have often wonder if he knew what pains--physical and emotional pains--I bare. He does and it says he knows this so he can know how to succor his people. The word succor means "help, relief, aid or assistance".
I can't count the times I have been asked, "What can I do?" I don't know. Physically right now there is nothing to do. Emotionally I need a soft shoulder, a listening ear and an unjudging heart.
That is what my Savior gives me. A soft shoulder, a listening ear and a unjudging heart. I just need to remember to turn to him daily for my succor.
He knows "according to the flesh" my sufferings, pains and my afflictions. He, only He knows. That is true empathy.
What's Up?
It has been quite a long time since I've updated this blog. Many reasons why but the most important is that I have a very hard time sitting for long periods of time. The pain is back! It just seems like my body doesn't like to bend in half. I literally live my life upright and moving. I'm not joking! I feel like I'm a mom again and the baby won't let me sit down. Thankfully I can lay down as long as I have a hot pad going.
I won't you with the medical story as you can find that on my caring bridge website http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/doreenblanding so I will just update you on the "other" stuff.
We'll start with some of the positive things that have been going on in my life. I've lost 45 pounds. YES! FORTY FIVE POUNDS! Yes the cancer treatment had something to do with it but mostly it was just old fashion hard work that helped me shed the 45 pounds. I have also lost my appetite--truly--I just don't have the desire to eat. I feel full quickly now and really have no desire to eat. I'm not starving myself, I'm just not hungry. I actually need to remember to eat. In fact with the radiation I have to make sure I have enough (even more) protein in my diet. But the biggest thing is that I've been running. To date I have run over 450 miles and just last week ran 10 miles in 100 minutes. Today I ran 8.7 miles in 80 minutes (but more on that later). I wish I could do tummy crunches, but my back just won't let me do it. I still can't believe I'm 45 pounds lighter.
With that weight lost, I had to get new clothes--a lot of them. One day when put on my business skirt it literally fell off my hip. So I went out to Marshalls, Old Navy and Ross (I love discount stores) and got some new clothes. Here is the best part, I tried on a skirt and then had to go back and get a new size. I did that three times! I finally had to try a skirt on that was a size I hadn't worn since HIGH SCHOOL! I pulled some tops off that were on the MEDIUM rack! I took two garbage sacks of clothes to DI and I still haven't gone through all my jeans, pants, slacks or shorts. I feel so great! Almost sexy.
As you may remember I'm preparing to run a half marathon in May. That is 13.1 miles! I've been training since October and think I will be ready. Last week I put in 10 miles in 100 minutes and I felt like I could continue on. I truly am amazed at myself! Here I am the girl who wouldn't run over 400 meters in high school running miles upon miles every day. I started in October run/walking and doing it at about the rate of 13 minutes/mile and now I'm consistently between 8-10 minutes/mile. And here is the clincher! I LOVE RUNNING! I can't believe I just typed that. I actually like to run. I find solace in my hour run each day. Ok, here is an even bigger shock: I'm going to sign up to run the FULL Nike Women's Marathon in San Fransisco in October this fall. I'm going to run again for TNT (DUH!). What craziness! I have now logged over 450 miles since October. I have only missed two days and that was because of doctor orders. If fact I went running today, less than 24 hours after a biopsy. I truly can't believe I am running.
Here is the negative.
I had the second batch of radiation in December and January. In February the pain came back but they couldn't image me because of the radiation so we waited until two weeks ago. The CT scan showed no new tumor and only old tumor. But the pain was so great that they ordered a MRI. In fact I had two MRI's. They found a tumor. They aren't sure it is the old, new or regrowth. So Friday I had a biopsy. I hate biopsies.
Now there is a positive with this. Steve came with me to the hospital. I know it was way too long for him (six plus hours), but he was there. I so appreciate that he was there. Also on Thursday (they day after the doctor called to tell me I had a tumor) Kray gave me a unsolicited hug! Took me by surprise but I loved it!
On that note, I'm really worried about my children. I wish they would open up to me and let me know how they are feeling. I wish they knew how much they need to talk. I wish they would talk. They don't have to talk to me, but to someone. I have numbers of people they would talk to. In fact I ran across a friend whose daughter is in one of Kray's class and she said that her daughter has talked about Kray and how he is "afraid about his mother's cancer". I know this is driving him crazy, but it is KILLING me. I wish they would just open up. I really want to know what is going on. I know what it is doing to my insides and I can only imagine what it is doing to them. One day he told me that I would "kick it in the butt, like you do everything else mom." I love the confidence, but...
My husband doesn't speak about "it" either. I wish he would. I know I'm scared and I have no idea what he feels like. I know it would let me open up. I don't even know how to open up. These are things that you don't think you will ever have to talk about while you are young, but damn! you do. I don't even know how to start that conversation.
Now, you may wonder how I'm typing this since I don't bend in half and typing you would assume that I was at my desk. No, I'm in bed with a back ache typing on my husband's laptop (my laptop has some broken keys so it is hard to type worth beans).
Well, my eyes are getting droopy (thank you vicodin) and I think dinner just arrived.
I won't you with the medical story as you can find that on my caring bridge website http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/doreenblanding so I will just update you on the "other" stuff.
We'll start with some of the positive things that have been going on in my life. I've lost 45 pounds. YES! FORTY FIVE POUNDS! Yes the cancer treatment had something to do with it but mostly it was just old fashion hard work that helped me shed the 45 pounds. I have also lost my appetite--truly--I just don't have the desire to eat. I feel full quickly now and really have no desire to eat. I'm not starving myself, I'm just not hungry. I actually need to remember to eat. In fact with the radiation I have to make sure I have enough (even more) protein in my diet. But the biggest thing is that I've been running. To date I have run over 450 miles and just last week ran 10 miles in 100 minutes. Today I ran 8.7 miles in 80 minutes (but more on that later). I wish I could do tummy crunches, but my back just won't let me do it. I still can't believe I'm 45 pounds lighter.
With that weight lost, I had to get new clothes--a lot of them. One day when put on my business skirt it literally fell off my hip. So I went out to Marshalls, Old Navy and Ross (I love discount stores) and got some new clothes. Here is the best part, I tried on a skirt and then had to go back and get a new size. I did that three times! I finally had to try a skirt on that was a size I hadn't worn since HIGH SCHOOL! I pulled some tops off that were on the MEDIUM rack! I took two garbage sacks of clothes to DI and I still haven't gone through all my jeans, pants, slacks or shorts. I feel so great! Almost sexy.
As you may remember I'm preparing to run a half marathon in May. That is 13.1 miles! I've been training since October and think I will be ready. Last week I put in 10 miles in 100 minutes and I felt like I could continue on. I truly am amazed at myself! Here I am the girl who wouldn't run over 400 meters in high school running miles upon miles every day. I started in October run/walking and doing it at about the rate of 13 minutes/mile and now I'm consistently between 8-10 minutes/mile. And here is the clincher! I LOVE RUNNING! I can't believe I just typed that. I actually like to run. I find solace in my hour run each day. Ok, here is an even bigger shock: I'm going to sign up to run the FULL Nike Women's Marathon in San Fransisco in October this fall. I'm going to run again for TNT (DUH!). What craziness! I have now logged over 450 miles since October. I have only missed two days and that was because of doctor orders. If fact I went running today, less than 24 hours after a biopsy. I truly can't believe I am running.
Here is the negative.
I had the second batch of radiation in December and January. In February the pain came back but they couldn't image me because of the radiation so we waited until two weeks ago. The CT scan showed no new tumor and only old tumor. But the pain was so great that they ordered a MRI. In fact I had two MRI's. They found a tumor. They aren't sure it is the old, new or regrowth. So Friday I had a biopsy. I hate biopsies.
Now there is a positive with this. Steve came with me to the hospital. I know it was way too long for him (six plus hours), but he was there. I so appreciate that he was there. Also on Thursday (they day after the doctor called to tell me I had a tumor) Kray gave me a unsolicited hug! Took me by surprise but I loved it!
On that note, I'm really worried about my children. I wish they would open up to me and let me know how they are feeling. I wish they knew how much they need to talk. I wish they would talk. They don't have to talk to me, but to someone. I have numbers of people they would talk to. In fact I ran across a friend whose daughter is in one of Kray's class and she said that her daughter has talked about Kray and how he is "afraid about his mother's cancer". I know this is driving him crazy, but it is KILLING me. I wish they would just open up. I really want to know what is going on. I know what it is doing to my insides and I can only imagine what it is doing to them. One day he told me that I would "kick it in the butt, like you do everything else mom." I love the confidence, but...
My husband doesn't speak about "it" either. I wish he would. I know I'm scared and I have no idea what he feels like. I know it would let me open up. I don't even know how to open up. These are things that you don't think you will ever have to talk about while you are young, but damn! you do. I don't even know how to start that conversation.
Now, you may wonder how I'm typing this since I don't bend in half and typing you would assume that I was at my desk. No, I'm in bed with a back ache typing on my husband's laptop (my laptop has some broken keys so it is hard to type worth beans).
Well, my eyes are getting droopy (thank you vicodin) and I think dinner just arrived.
Update
If you have been reading my caring bridge blog then you know where I am in my fight with cancer. If you have not then I'm sorry. Here is a catch up since my last report!
I still have cancer (never will have it GONE).
I had to do another round with radiation since they didn't get the tippy top of it last time.
I've lost over 40 (plus) pounds.
I've raised over $10,000 for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.
I'm running five days a week and have run over 325 miles since October.
Right now I'm experiencing a lot of pain. The very same pain that I had back in July that sent me on this road. They don't know what is causing it and can't image it because of all the extra radiation I have inside my body. So I take pain killers to dull the pain and hope that I can get some sleep. The only relief (besides meds) is movement. That is why I love running so much. The movement actually makes the pain go away!
I just hope and pray that the pain isn't another mass and that it is healing from the radiation.
The other thing I'm dealing with is temperature fluctuations. Simply put I'm having hot and cold flashes. They are so bad they wake me up at night! They don't know why.
And lastly, I desperately want my mom! I want to talk to her. I need her. DANG!
I still have cancer (never will have it GONE).
I had to do another round with radiation since they didn't get the tippy top of it last time.
I've lost over 40 (plus) pounds.
I've raised over $10,000 for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.
I'm running five days a week and have run over 325 miles since October.
Right now I'm experiencing a lot of pain. The very same pain that I had back in July that sent me on this road. They don't know what is causing it and can't image it because of all the extra radiation I have inside my body. So I take pain killers to dull the pain and hope that I can get some sleep. The only relief (besides meds) is movement. That is why I love running so much. The movement actually makes the pain go away!
I just hope and pray that the pain isn't another mass and that it is healing from the radiation.
The other thing I'm dealing with is temperature fluctuations. Simply put I'm having hot and cold flashes. They are so bad they wake me up at night! They don't know why.
And lastly, I desperately want my mom! I want to talk to her. I need her. DANG!
Let the Spirit Begin
Let me try to explain my last post because I think I know why I'm so Grinch-like this Christmas.
I have had a very hard week. My oldest isn't behaving like he should, then he crashed our kids' car. Ca-ching, Ca-ching! OUCH! But more than that, in 2002 on the Tuesday morning before Thanksgiving I was in a horrific auto accident and it always rears it ugly head about now. I do all the tricks the doctors have taught me, but it always gets me the week of Thanksgiving.
On top of that I'm missing my mom terribly right now. AND I am missing my father-in-law. Boy would like to sit down and talk with them again, but I can't and it make me sad. My heart hurts.
But most of all I think I don't want to have Christmas for fear it is the last. I've had so many visit from death that I'm scared. I don't know if I can explain it, but there are three little areas my brain goes. There is reality, fuzzy reality and fantasy. Reality has me being her a long time because of what the doctors and tests are saying. Then there is fantasy and I'll wake up one day and this will all be a freaking long nightmare. Then there is fuzzy reality (my term) and that is the reality that this could be my last. I have cancer after all.
I watched my mom and father-in-law pass away quite suddenly. Yes, they were "old" but "old" is relative in both of their cases. My kids think I'm old and on some days I think I'm old. The doctor did say "cancer". Cancer is a killer. Even the statistics for NHL say that I only have a 69% chance of making it to a 5 year remission. NHL is the sixth most common cause of cancer death in females in the US (stats from LLS.org). Of course since we caught it early the stats start going up to the 70's and 80's. But that is still scary.
I was thinking about all this Christmas stuff on my run this afternoon and I think I'm just afraid this is my last. My last Christmas--not the last Christmas of all of us together, but MY last Christmas. I'm AFRAID! There I said it finally. I said it. I'm down right scared! My thinking is that if we don't do it then it can't be my last and therefore I just have to keep living--right?
I know this makes no sense--that's why I call it "FUZZY" reality. It is real because those are the feelings I'm feeling and they are real and painful but fuzzy because I know it just doesn't make sense in reality. But my reality is real fuzzy right now.
So I put up the Christmas trees today with the help of Kray and Jason (they got the boxes) and Jessie & Steve (they helped me put them together, string lights and hand ornaments). Maybe tomorrow I'll get out the other stuff.
Bah Humbug!
A long time ago in a land that seemed so far away, Christmas was magical, wonderful and even delightful. Something happened and it has lost its magic and wonder and is no longer filled with light.
I don't know if it is the cancer that is talking, or the missing of my sister, mom and father-in-law, but somehow this year on the day before Thanksgiving, I'm dreading Christmas--the whole thing.
I'm not looking forward to doing the tree (my kids use to help--now they just want to play xbox).
I'm not looking forward to making candy or baking (oh, how I hate to do both--cook/bake AND clean up and nothing ever turns out).
Maybe it is because I'm married to the Grinch (he really is the Grinch).
Maybe it is because there isn't a spare dime to get the kids something they want for Christmas (we can barely cover what they need) and I don't want to tell them that or see the disappointment on their faces.
Maybe it is because the magic is gone from my children's faces.
Maybe it is because for me it just seems like a lot of work for no reward.
Maybe it is because it is the last Christmas we will all be together.
Maybe this year we won't do a tree, or presents or bake, cook or shop. Maybe we will just skip Christmas this year.
Or maybe it is because it is so gray outside.
I don't know if it is the cancer that is talking, or the missing of my sister, mom and father-in-law, but somehow this year on the day before Thanksgiving, I'm dreading Christmas--the whole thing.
I'm not looking forward to doing the tree (my kids use to help--now they just want to play xbox).
I'm not looking forward to making candy or baking (oh, how I hate to do both--cook/bake AND clean up and nothing ever turns out).
Maybe it is because I'm married to the Grinch (he really is the Grinch).
Maybe it is because there isn't a spare dime to get the kids something they want for Christmas (we can barely cover what they need) and I don't want to tell them that or see the disappointment on their faces.
Maybe it is because the magic is gone from my children's faces.
Maybe it is because for me it just seems like a lot of work for no reward.
Maybe it is because it is the last Christmas we will all be together.
Maybe this year we won't do a tree, or presents or bake, cook or shop. Maybe we will just skip Christmas this year.
Or maybe it is because it is so gray outside.
My Rant!
Last week was a very, very hard week. I turned 40, continue dealing with cancer stuff (radiation, more biopsies, feeling awful and sick!) and to add to it the death of my father-in-law. That meant that my husband spent the week at his mother's (rightly so) but I truly missed my best friend and lover. It was hard going into surgery by myself, starting radiation and dealing with all the emotional stuff of "cancer" without him, but I knew he needed to be with his mom. I would be here with all my emotional stuff next week, but his mom needed him then. He needed to be there. He needed the closure that comes from preparing a funeral for a father. I know, I did it the year before.
(By the way--THE BLANDING FAMILY IS DONE WITH FUNERALS!!! DO YOU HEAR ME! No one else can die for a long time! We are worn out! Three for the last three summers is just too many!)
But to add to my awful week the police enter the picture. Now I know they serve us, but come on! I'm getting tired of the lights!
1. On the way to our family reunion, Office "Fife" of Raymond, WA, pulls us over for going just a tad over the limit. There is a tiny stretch of road (less than five miles) that the limit goes from 30 to 40 to 30 then to 50. Can you say speed trap? Of course you get TWO signs placed 20 yards apart announcing the new limit. How dare you might look elsewhere than the signage as you drive through Raymond, WA.
2. We have had several incidents in our neighborhood where the cops were needed in the last few weeks. The worse was a middle of the night break-in of a back door neighbor. They are good friends with our family (children play together, adults play together, we go to church together, etc.) and in the middle of the night, while the family was asleep, someone broke into their home but cutting the screen window and took electronic equipment. Shudder to think....
3. On the day of my father-in-law's funeral I drove from Ridgefield to Redmond, pretty late in the evening. Of course I used cruise control to keep my speed pegged about 3 mph over the limit. The limit constantly changes between Portland and Seattle because of construction. One minute it is 70 and then it is 60. (Ponder on this: Why is it that the trucks' limit is 60 while we are 70 and then when we have to drop to 60 they don't go to 50?) Talk about silly! Of course I'm in a lot of pain and I would love to be home in bed, but I resist the urge to go too fast. Now the cars and trucks around me are flying past me and ne'er a state police in sight. They are out, I see them on the other side of the freeway, but not going north. Then I pull into our town and hit the residential roads. Avondale the road that the freeway turns into is a 40 mph road. That is so hard to do when you have just spent the last 3 hours doing 70 that I use my cruise control and peg it right at 40. Kray notices a police behind me and I check my speed. Right on 40! Then LIGHTS! I can't believe what in the world I had done in the two blocks since he started following me. Of course his lights are in my eyes so I can't even see him. Talk about the worst policy in the world. How am I supposed to feel safe when I can't even see the officer who is pulling me over? I ask him what I did wrong. "Your licence plate light is out." I'm more than mad! I'm livid, but I bite my tongue, give him the documentation he needs, break down in tears (it has been an awful day) and want to just go home.
Ok, today I took my van in to get the oil changed and have the burnt out light fixed so I don't have another encounter with a police. My light works JUST FINE! It isn't burnt out at all. "I want you to be safe ma'am." A working licence plate light will make me safe?
I want to scream!
I know they preform a great service, but why the heck are they pulling people over when there are jerks walking around my neighborhood
breaking
into homes while people are
sleeping
and he wants me to be safe by changing my "burnt out"
light bulb
. and
it wasn't even burnt out!
I asked them to change the bulb and they told me, "It is working fine, Mrs. Blanding."
Thank you so much for making Redmond a safe place! People will sleep better because the Blanding have replaced their "burnt out" light bulb. Tell that to my friends who were violated in their home.
Oh how they grow
On the first day at Long Beach, we went out to breakfast and while we were waiting for our table I took Matt, Chris and Jessie outside to wiggle off some energy. I rememberd a photo from long ago that had my three kids in the "frying pan" at Long Beach. I decided to put them back in it. WOW! they sure do grow up fast.
2002
2009
Holding My Breath
Back in July I had a little pain in my back. It started to grow to the point I needed to have it looked at. Because it came with my monthly cycle I went to see my woman's doctor. He couldn't find anything wrong. He thought it must be kidney stones so he sent me to a urologist. I went there in pain and was seen immediately and the PA told me to have a CT scan and come back in two days and the doctor would go over the scan and a treatment plan would be outlined.
The CT scan did show stones. I have five in my right and four in my left. The left one having the bigger of the stones, but nothing in the ducts that should be causing pain. The doctor chalked it up to maybe a bad scan or misread. He sent me home with a urine strainer and told me that if in two weeks I hadn't passed the stone(s) then I was to call my general doctor because it was structural/muscular.
Two weeks later on some very awful drugs (threw up at least twice a day!) I was still in a lot of pain. Thankfully I was able to see MY doctor on a Tuesday. He ordered a X-Ray and if that came up negative then he would order an MRI. I had the X-Rays taken later that day. He got the report on Wednesday, called me that evening and told me there was nothing so schedule a MRI. Of course I had to wait a day since the place was closed and then I couldn't get a MRI until the following Monday because they are pretty lengthy and you need to have empty bladder and tummy. Now my general doctor and I are thinking that there is a tear or something in my back and all we have to do is find it and he will write a prescription for therapy or whatever and we will be back in business. So that is what we were looking for.
On Monday the 17th of August I go in for my MRI. Just as the exam was about to be done, the technician, Nicole, pulled me out and said, that the radiologist wanted to see it with some contrast. "Don't move but sign here." In I go again for another 15 minutes of images. Then she escorts me to the X-Ray machine for more photos and tells me, "You need to see your doctor immediately. Today."
Now those are words you don't ever want to hear.
I finished with the pictures of my back and headed back to my doctor's office. I wasn't able to see my doctor (he doesn't work Mondays), and instead so a Doctor Huang. His English was very halting and his bedside manner even worse. It was in his stark white room, while he stared at a computer screen he told me, "You have mass on t12."
My mind just went blank. I didn't even know if I could remember how to breath. Was my heart still beating? I'm not sure it was. Good think there was a counter top to hang on to. (I don't sit very well right now as it hurts too much.)
He then went out of the room to talk to Mary. I found the tissue box (why didn't he hand them to me) while he was out and was about to call Steve when Mary came in to ask me when tomorrow would be a good day to see a neurologist. I wanted to scream NEVER! but said, whenever.
Now to complicate things I was to drive to Richland the next day for my kids orthodontic appointments. Steve didn't have a day off and they were in the midst of product release--you know the kind--we didn't see him all week only evidence that he slept and ate at home. Thankfully Mary was able to schedule a 4:30 appointment so I could drive there and back and still make the appointment.
The doctor came back in and wrote me out a prescription for the pain. This time it was one that shouldn't make me throw up, just put me to sleep. Yeah, like a mom to six can take that. He was so not there. I don't think he even knows what color eyes I have.
I saw Dr. Song the next day, Tuesday. He too spoke very halting English but at least he spoke to me and I could understand him. He wasn't soft and warm, but he wasn't cold and brittle like the other doctor. Dr. Song told me that I have two masses in my back. One on T12 (about a hands width under my bra) and one in the parispinal muscle. That is the one that is probably making my lower right back hurt. He also used the word "large." Now there are two things it could have been. It could be an infection, but highly unlikely since I hadn't had a fever or any other signs. (My throwing up was only because of medicine.) We could rule that out with a simple blood test. He ordered that. The other possibility was tumor. To find that answer I had four things I needed to do.
1. See an oncologist
2. have a biopsy
3. have another CT scan
4. have a bone scan
I left with pieces of papers and had to make the appointments. I was able to do the blood draw that afternoon. I was able then to make the rest of the appointment for the rest of the week.
Wednesday: Dr. Kraemer and CT scan
Thursday: Biopsy
Friday: Bone Scan
Dr. Kraemer! What can I say. What a stark contrast to the other doctor's I have met so far. So kind, gentle and warm. He was so upbeat. He spent about an hour with me and was the first doctor to even touch me! Beside the PA's in all these doctor visits he was the first doctor to even lay a hand on me besides to shake my hand at introduction. WOW!
He listened to my health history and then read over the reports with me. He hadn't seen the films but was confident in the radiologists written report. He told me from the looks of the films so far that it looked like I had a tumor, "cancer" of some sort. He wouldn't lay money on it (been wrong before) but it looked like a cancer. He then told me to go home and relax and just wait for the results. No point in getting upset until we know for sure, BUT if it is cancer, "we will beat it."
I had my CT scan (with contrast this time) and went home waiting for my biopsy the next day.
STARVING! That is what I have been for the past three or four weeks. If I couldn't keep it down, I wasn't putting it in. Now will all these tests they make you fast. I have been charting my caloric intake and for that week I barely made the goal for even one day! Thankfully a milkshake in Yakima made up for a HUGE lack of calories and since I was driving I wasn't popping pills so I was able to keep that down--but talk about PAIN!
The biopsy went very well. I was almost out for the whole thing. I had to be just enough awake that I could stop breathing when they asked me. Of course it only took about 45 minutes to do the procedure, but I was in the hospital for a good six. I can't say enough about the hospital staff. They made my stay wonderful. Dr. Chen who spoke perfect English was wonderful and even showed me the films of my back. Of course I was just enough drugged that I wasn't quite sure what I was looking at, but it was pretty cool.
Now, remember I could have been looking at ink spots for all I know, but the mass in my muscle is LARGE! WOW! It looks like a plop of mashed potatoes. The one in my spine (T12) I just didn't see. Supposedly it was suppose to be all milky white but there was some gray spot in the circle. That's not good, or so they tell me.
I wasn't in too much pain because I had some nice drugs, but the holes in my back sure did hurt. The next day was a bone scan. Fasting again I went in and was shot up with another stuff. It was pretty cool and quiet for once. This machine just hummed, so I totally enjoyed the music they let me listen to. I actually almost fell completely asleep. Good thing they strap you in or your arms would dangle when you let yourself succumb to sleep.
That weekend we went to a family reunion in Long Beach. WONDERFUL TIMES! I wish I could go back. I love Long Beach and I love my family and putting the two together equals HEAVEN! I just wish I wasn't in so much pain.
Monday came and I was expecting to hear from Dr. Kraemer. Nothing.
Tuesday came and I finally broke down and called them. Nothing.
Wednesday came and we had to go home. When I got home there was a message to call Dr. Kraemer's office and set up an appointment. I did that for Thursday (the next day) at 2:30. As I hung up from that phone call Dr. Song called me and he told me it was Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and that Dr. Kraemer was going to take my case and to follow up with him for a final diagnosis.
I didn't sleep to well, but at least I had drugs that put me out. Poor Steve. Not only is he sleeping with a washing machine (I toss and turn because of pain) but he is a worrier.
I saw Dr. Kraemer and he told me that both spots are the same and that is Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma--Cancer (NHL). He didn't know the stage (test to be done later) or the type (tissue still being examined) but that it was cancer and that we are going to treat it with chemo (probably in clinic) and radiation (at Evergreen).
He set up two more appointment for me. One with Dr. Hunter, my radiation therapist and another PET scan.
I saw Dr. Hunter yesterday and even had my radiation appointments all scheduled until my case was presented at the "Tumor Board" this morning. Twenty some doctors get together and discuss patients and cases. Mine was presented there and it was decided that they wanted to wait a few more days before they began radiating the tumor.
I have an aggressive form of NHL and they don't want to kill all the tissue until they have preformed all the tests on the tissue sample they have. This is just in case they need another sample. See, radiation changes the cells so that when they divide they die. With it being aggressive they are dividing very fast and so if they go in and radiate them, there might not be anything left next week if they need another biopsy. We are going to wait until the test are conclusive and they don't need another tissue sample.
Why is it so important for them to have a tissue sample? That is so they know what to put in my chemotherapy cocktail to kill all the cancer cells in my body. They need to know what subclass of NHL I have so that I can have the right kind of chemo.
This is fine with me. I get one more weekend without sickness. Pain, yes, but I can pop pills to manage that. Because the tumor is in my abdomen I will be throwing up and have all sorts of bowel problems as they radiate down there. But that also may mean I get to keep my hair. That is what Jessie is so worried about, of course right after dying, but we told her I wasn't going to die!
So, I sit here on Sept 3, with cancer and a team of doctor who are confident that we can beat this. Dr. Hunter, Dr, Kraemer and the other doctors around that table this morning are very, very confident that we can put this caner into remission and have it stay there and that I will get to live to see my 50th wedding anniversary and kiss my grand babies. And if they didn't have confidence then I did!
I'm a fighter and I will win this war! I have a great team of support and I have too much to live for for this to get me. I will not let it win and I will come out victoriously.
Now, I will try to update this blog often, but who knows what will happen. I do have a caring bridge website. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/doreenblanding that you are welcome to follow me on. I will try to keep both updates as often as I can.
We are extremely grateful to all who have wished us well, who have added us in their prayers. There are no words to express our gratitude. Thank you just seems like a drop in the ocean of gratitude we owe.
To those who have offered their support and love in ways of service, I'll let you know when and how you can help. Right now I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting to know when to exhale. We are going to try to keep our family life as normal as possible but know that when (not if) I can't I have an army of friends and family I can call on. I know that before I even hit the "end call" button I will have someone in my driveway there to help with more coming. I'll let you know.
With great love,
Doreen
The CT scan did show stones. I have five in my right and four in my left. The left one having the bigger of the stones, but nothing in the ducts that should be causing pain. The doctor chalked it up to maybe a bad scan or misread. He sent me home with a urine strainer and told me that if in two weeks I hadn't passed the stone(s) then I was to call my general doctor because it was structural/muscular.
Two weeks later on some very awful drugs (threw up at least twice a day!) I was still in a lot of pain. Thankfully I was able to see MY doctor on a Tuesday. He ordered a X-Ray and if that came up negative then he would order an MRI. I had the X-Rays taken later that day. He got the report on Wednesday, called me that evening and told me there was nothing so schedule a MRI. Of course I had to wait a day since the place was closed and then I couldn't get a MRI until the following Monday because they are pretty lengthy and you need to have empty bladder and tummy. Now my general doctor and I are thinking that there is a tear or something in my back and all we have to do is find it and he will write a prescription for therapy or whatever and we will be back in business. So that is what we were looking for.
On Monday the 17th of August I go in for my MRI. Just as the exam was about to be done, the technician, Nicole, pulled me out and said, that the radiologist wanted to see it with some contrast. "Don't move but sign here." In I go again for another 15 minutes of images. Then she escorts me to the X-Ray machine for more photos and tells me, "You need to see your doctor immediately. Today."
Now those are words you don't ever want to hear.
I finished with the pictures of my back and headed back to my doctor's office. I wasn't able to see my doctor (he doesn't work Mondays), and instead so a Doctor Huang. His English was very halting and his bedside manner even worse. It was in his stark white room, while he stared at a computer screen he told me, "You have mass on t12."
My mind just went blank. I didn't even know if I could remember how to breath. Was my heart still beating? I'm not sure it was. Good think there was a counter top to hang on to. (I don't sit very well right now as it hurts too much.)
He then went out of the room to talk to Mary. I found the tissue box (why didn't he hand them to me) while he was out and was about to call Steve when Mary came in to ask me when tomorrow would be a good day to see a neurologist. I wanted to scream NEVER! but said, whenever.
Now to complicate things I was to drive to Richland the next day for my kids orthodontic appointments. Steve didn't have a day off and they were in the midst of product release--you know the kind--we didn't see him all week only evidence that he slept and ate at home. Thankfully Mary was able to schedule a 4:30 appointment so I could drive there and back and still make the appointment.
The doctor came back in and wrote me out a prescription for the pain. This time it was one that shouldn't make me throw up, just put me to sleep. Yeah, like a mom to six can take that. He was so not there. I don't think he even knows what color eyes I have.
I saw Dr. Song the next day, Tuesday. He too spoke very halting English but at least he spoke to me and I could understand him. He wasn't soft and warm, but he wasn't cold and brittle like the other doctor. Dr. Song told me that I have two masses in my back. One on T12 (about a hands width under my bra) and one in the parispinal muscle. That is the one that is probably making my lower right back hurt. He also used the word "large." Now there are two things it could have been. It could be an infection, but highly unlikely since I hadn't had a fever or any other signs. (My throwing up was only because of medicine.) We could rule that out with a simple blood test. He ordered that. The other possibility was tumor. To find that answer I had four things I needed to do.
1. See an oncologist
2. have a biopsy
3. have another CT scan
4. have a bone scan
I left with pieces of papers and had to make the appointments. I was able to do the blood draw that afternoon. I was able then to make the rest of the appointment for the rest of the week.
Wednesday: Dr. Kraemer and CT scan
Thursday: Biopsy
Friday: Bone Scan
Dr. Kraemer! What can I say. What a stark contrast to the other doctor's I have met so far. So kind, gentle and warm. He was so upbeat. He spent about an hour with me and was the first doctor to even touch me! Beside the PA's in all these doctor visits he was the first doctor to even lay a hand on me besides to shake my hand at introduction. WOW!
He listened to my health history and then read over the reports with me. He hadn't seen the films but was confident in the radiologists written report. He told me from the looks of the films so far that it looked like I had a tumor, "cancer" of some sort. He wouldn't lay money on it (been wrong before) but it looked like a cancer. He then told me to go home and relax and just wait for the results. No point in getting upset until we know for sure, BUT if it is cancer, "we will beat it."
I had my CT scan (with contrast this time) and went home waiting for my biopsy the next day.
STARVING! That is what I have been for the past three or four weeks. If I couldn't keep it down, I wasn't putting it in. Now will all these tests they make you fast. I have been charting my caloric intake and for that week I barely made the goal for even one day! Thankfully a milkshake in Yakima made up for a HUGE lack of calories and since I was driving I wasn't popping pills so I was able to keep that down--but talk about PAIN!
The biopsy went very well. I was almost out for the whole thing. I had to be just enough awake that I could stop breathing when they asked me. Of course it only took about 45 minutes to do the procedure, but I was in the hospital for a good six. I can't say enough about the hospital staff. They made my stay wonderful. Dr. Chen who spoke perfect English was wonderful and even showed me the films of my back. Of course I was just enough drugged that I wasn't quite sure what I was looking at, but it was pretty cool.
Now, remember I could have been looking at ink spots for all I know, but the mass in my muscle is LARGE! WOW! It looks like a plop of mashed potatoes. The one in my spine (T12) I just didn't see. Supposedly it was suppose to be all milky white but there was some gray spot in the circle. That's not good, or so they tell me.
I wasn't in too much pain because I had some nice drugs, but the holes in my back sure did hurt. The next day was a bone scan. Fasting again I went in and was shot up with another stuff. It was pretty cool and quiet for once. This machine just hummed, so I totally enjoyed the music they let me listen to. I actually almost fell completely asleep. Good thing they strap you in or your arms would dangle when you let yourself succumb to sleep.
That weekend we went to a family reunion in Long Beach. WONDERFUL TIMES! I wish I could go back. I love Long Beach and I love my family and putting the two together equals HEAVEN! I just wish I wasn't in so much pain.
Monday came and I was expecting to hear from Dr. Kraemer. Nothing.
Tuesday came and I finally broke down and called them. Nothing.
Wednesday came and we had to go home. When I got home there was a message to call Dr. Kraemer's office and set up an appointment. I did that for Thursday (the next day) at 2:30. As I hung up from that phone call Dr. Song called me and he told me it was Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and that Dr. Kraemer was going to take my case and to follow up with him for a final diagnosis.
I didn't sleep to well, but at least I had drugs that put me out. Poor Steve. Not only is he sleeping with a washing machine (I toss and turn because of pain) but he is a worrier.
I saw Dr. Kraemer and he told me that both spots are the same and that is Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma--Cancer (NHL). He didn't know the stage (test to be done later) or the type (tissue still being examined) but that it was cancer and that we are going to treat it with chemo (probably in clinic) and radiation (at Evergreen).
He set up two more appointment for me. One with Dr. Hunter, my radiation therapist and another PET scan.
I saw Dr. Hunter yesterday and even had my radiation appointments all scheduled until my case was presented at the "Tumor Board" this morning. Twenty some doctors get together and discuss patients and cases. Mine was presented there and it was decided that they wanted to wait a few more days before they began radiating the tumor.
I have an aggressive form of NHL and they don't want to kill all the tissue until they have preformed all the tests on the tissue sample they have. This is just in case they need another sample. See, radiation changes the cells so that when they divide they die. With it being aggressive they are dividing very fast and so if they go in and radiate them, there might not be anything left next week if they need another biopsy. We are going to wait until the test are conclusive and they don't need another tissue sample.
Why is it so important for them to have a tissue sample? That is so they know what to put in my chemotherapy cocktail to kill all the cancer cells in my body. They need to know what subclass of NHL I have so that I can have the right kind of chemo.
This is fine with me. I get one more weekend without sickness. Pain, yes, but I can pop pills to manage that. Because the tumor is in my abdomen I will be throwing up and have all sorts of bowel problems as they radiate down there. But that also may mean I get to keep my hair. That is what Jessie is so worried about, of course right after dying, but we told her I wasn't going to die!
So, I sit here on Sept 3, with cancer and a team of doctor who are confident that we can beat this. Dr. Hunter, Dr, Kraemer and the other doctors around that table this morning are very, very confident that we can put this caner into remission and have it stay there and that I will get to live to see my 50th wedding anniversary and kiss my grand babies. And if they didn't have confidence then I did!
I'm a fighter and I will win this war! I have a great team of support and I have too much to live for for this to get me. I will not let it win and I will come out victoriously.
Now, I will try to update this blog often, but who knows what will happen. I do have a caring bridge website. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/doreenblanding that you are welcome to follow me on. I will try to keep both updates as often as I can.
We are extremely grateful to all who have wished us well, who have added us in their prayers. There are no words to express our gratitude. Thank you just seems like a drop in the ocean of gratitude we owe.
To those who have offered their support and love in ways of service, I'll let you know when and how you can help. Right now I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting to know when to exhale. We are going to try to keep our family life as normal as possible but know that when (not if) I can't I have an army of friends and family I can call on. I know that before I even hit the "end call" button I will have someone in my driveway there to help with more coming. I'll let you know.
With great love,
Doreen
Ode to Ten
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Good bye ten
I won't miss you.
But I'll tell you what I am missing:
My "baby" is only nine, but I have finally lost that first pesky ten pounds.
Here is hoping for three times that more!
Wish me luck!
I'm Feeling Blessed
On November 23, 2002, around 5:30 in the morning I was involved in an auto accident. I survived.
Last week a 16 year old boy from our stake (my boys know of him and probably met him a few times) died in a similar accident.
He was hit broadside on the passenger side; I was hit on the drivers side.
I'm sure the speeds were somewhat similar since the roads are similar.
He was taken to the hospital where he later died; I was taken to the hospital where I walked out of the hospital and went home.
Why?
I can't answer that and I don't dare. From what I know about this young man, he was a good boy, living the way he should. He was righteous, doing what he should be doing. I know I was trying to be good and do what is right. So I can't answer the why question. All I can do is give thanks and say, "I will do better," and cry and grieve for a family who lost a dear brother and son. I can pray that it doesn't happen to my family.
I'm so sorry and sad to read about Josh Ward's death. It breaks my heart to think of a mother out there with a shattered heart, dealing with agony and loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of a mother who is told her son is gone and I never want to know that pain. I'm just glad that she has the gospel and knows that her son still lives. I'm so sorry for the Ward family.
I just know that I was given a second chance. I was blessed that morning to be able to walk home. I'm feeling blessed today and continue to pray for safety and peace for my family.
Last week a 16 year old boy from our stake (my boys know of him and probably met him a few times) died in a similar accident.
He was hit broadside on the passenger side; I was hit on the drivers side.
I'm sure the speeds were somewhat similar since the roads are similar.
He was taken to the hospital where he later died; I was taken to the hospital where I walked out of the hospital and went home.
Why?
I can't answer that and I don't dare. From what I know about this young man, he was a good boy, living the way he should. He was righteous, doing what he should be doing. I know I was trying to be good and do what is right. So I can't answer the why question. All I can do is give thanks and say, "I will do better," and cry and grieve for a family who lost a dear brother and son. I can pray that it doesn't happen to my family.
I'm so sorry and sad to read about Josh Ward's death. It breaks my heart to think of a mother out there with a shattered heart, dealing with agony and loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain of a mother who is told her son is gone and I never want to know that pain. I'm just glad that she has the gospel and knows that her son still lives. I'm so sorry for the Ward family.
I just know that I was given a second chance. I was blessed that morning to be able to walk home. I'm feeling blessed today and continue to pray for safety and peace for my family.