Let the Spirit Begin

Let me try to explain my last post because I think I know why I'm so Grinch-like this Christmas.

I have had a very hard week. My oldest isn't behaving like he should, then he crashed our kids' car. Ca-ching, Ca-ching! OUCH! But more than that, in 2002 on the Tuesday morning before Thanksgiving I was in a horrific auto accident and it always rears it ugly head about now. I do all the tricks the doctors have taught me, but it always gets me the week of Thanksgiving. 

On top of that I'm missing my mom terribly right now. AND I am missing my father-in-law. Boy would like to sit down and talk with them again, but I can't and it make me sad. My heart hurts.

But most of all I think I don't want to have Christmas for fear it is the last. I've had so many visit from death that I'm scared. I don't know if I can explain it, but there are three little areas my brain goes. There is reality, fuzzy reality and fantasy. Reality has me being her a long time because of what the doctors and tests are saying. Then there is fantasy and I'll wake up one day and this will all be a freaking long nightmare. Then there is fuzzy reality (my term) and that is the reality that this could be my last. I have cancer after all.

I watched my mom and father-in-law pass away quite suddenly. Yes, they were "old" but "old" is relative in both of their cases. My kids think I'm old and on some days I think I'm old. The doctor did say "cancer". Cancer is a killer. Even the statistics for NHL say that I only have a 69% chance of making it to a 5 year remission. NHL is the sixth most common cause of cancer death in females in the US (stats from LLS.org). Of course since we caught it early the stats start going up to the 70's and 80's. But that is still scary.

I was thinking about all this Christmas stuff on my run this afternoon and I think I'm just afraid this is my last. My last Christmas--not the last Christmas of all of us together, but MY last Christmas. I'm AFRAID! There I said it finally. I said it. I'm down right scared! My thinking is that if we don't do it then it can't be my last and therefore I just have to keep living--right?

I know this makes no sense--that's why I call it "FUZZY" reality. It is real because those are the feelings I'm feeling and they are real and painful but fuzzy because I know it just doesn't make sense in reality. But my reality is real fuzzy right now.

So I put up the Christmas trees today with the help of Kray and Jason (they got the boxes) and Jessie & Steve (they helped me put them together, string lights and hand ornaments). Maybe tomorrow I'll get out the other stuff.