No Hair

If you are a faithful reader of this blog (and I probably only have one or two) then you might be interested in my caring bridge website
I have posted more frequently my thoughts over there. But I try only to post cancer related stuff there and more me stuff here. I may have cancer, but cancer doesn't have me. I'm still Doreen!

But part of me left on Friday. Steve shaved my head. He had too. My hair was falling out in hand fulls and it was looking pretty bad. I didn't want him too. I wasn't ready for it, but it had to be done. He was mean to me and put me on a chair and then just did it! OUCH! It wasn't physically painful but it was heart breaking to watch my hair, my long hair fall to the ground. I had spent three years growing it out and there it was in piles on the deck.

I'm getting use to the wig. It is itchy and hot and not everyone recognizes me. I need to get some scarves and hats. This isn't just a week long thing, but I'll be like this for about a year. I've got to make the best of it.

My kids wouldn't even look at me on Friday. This must be so hard on them. I'm so sorry they have to go through this. At least they are still hugging me.

A woman's hair is so much a part of her. Just look at the ads on TV, in magazines, on billboards, etc. Women spend a small fortune on their hair. It is part of what makes them a woman. That part of me is gone. Anything I do to my head now is fake. It isn't me. That part is so hard. I know that under whatever covering I put on is a bald woman. That part is so hard to get over. But what is worse is I didn't get to choose to be bald. I know a few movie stars shaved their heads, but it was a choice they made. My choice was stripped from me when cancer invaded my body. I guess you can say I choose it by doing chemotherapy, but I really didn't have a choice. I have to remind myself that I'm still a woman because part of that is gone and is now fake and will be for a while!

This is a hard adjustment, but one I'm going to have to make. Sometimes when we start a journey, even a journey that we didn't choose, we have to go down roads we don't want to and this bald road is one I didn't want to go down and put off as long as I could. Yes, I've been courageous, but I've also been human. This one is hard.