What's Up?

It has been quite a long time since I've updated this blog. Many reasons why but the most important is that I have a very hard time sitting for long periods of time. The pain is back! It just seems like my body doesn't like to bend in half. I literally live my life upright and moving. I'm not joking! I feel like I'm a mom again and the baby won't let me sit down. Thankfully I can lay down as long as I have a hot pad going.

I won't you with the medical story as you can find that on my caring bridge website http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/doreenblanding so I will just update you on the "other" stuff.

We'll start with some of the positive things that have been going on in my life. I've lost 45 pounds. YES! FORTY FIVE POUNDS! Yes the cancer treatment had something to do with it but mostly it was just old fashion hard work that helped me shed the 45 pounds. I have also lost my appetite--truly--I just don't have the desire to eat. I feel full quickly now and really have no desire to eat. I'm not starving myself, I'm just not hungry. I actually need to remember to eat. In fact with the radiation I have to make sure I have enough (even more) protein in my diet. But the biggest thing is that I've been running. To date I have run over 450 miles and just last week ran 10 miles in 100 minutes. Today I ran 8.7 miles in 80 minutes (but more on that later). I wish I could do tummy crunches, but my back just won't let me do it. I still can't believe I'm 45 pounds lighter.

With that weight lost, I had to get new clothes--a lot of them. One day when put on my business skirt it literally fell off my hip. So I went out to Marshalls, Old Navy and Ross (I love discount stores) and got some new clothes. Here is the best part, I tried on a skirt and then had to go back and get a new size. I did that three times! I finally had to try a skirt on that was a size I hadn't worn since HIGH SCHOOL! I pulled some tops off that were on the MEDIUM rack! I took two garbage sacks of clothes to DI and I still haven't gone through all my jeans, pants, slacks or shorts. I feel so great! Almost sexy.

As you may remember I'm preparing to run a half marathon in May. That is 13.1 miles! I've been training since October and think I will be ready. Last week I put in 10 miles in 100 minutes and I felt like I could continue on. I truly am amazed at myself! Here I am the girl who wouldn't run over 400 meters in high school running miles upon miles every day. I started in October run/walking and doing it at about the rate of 13 minutes/mile and now I'm consistently between 8-10 minutes/mile. And here is the clincher! I LOVE RUNNING! I can't believe I just typed that. I actually like to run. I find solace in my hour run each day. Ok, here is an even bigger shock: I'm going to sign up to run the FULL Nike Women's Marathon in San Fransisco in October this fall. I'm going to run again for TNT (DUH!). What craziness! I have now logged over 450 miles since October. I have only missed two days and that was because of doctor orders. If fact I went running today, less than 24 hours after a biopsy. I truly can't believe I am running.

Here is the negative.
I had the second batch of radiation in December and January. In February the pain came back but they couldn't image me because of the radiation so we waited until two weeks ago. The CT scan showed no new tumor and only old tumor. But the pain was so great that they ordered a MRI. In fact I had two MRI's. They found a tumor. They aren't sure it is the old, new or regrowth. So Friday I had a biopsy. I hate biopsies.

Now there is a positive with this. Steve came with me to the hospital. I know it was way too long for him (six plus hours), but he was there. I so appreciate that he was there. Also on Thursday (they day after the doctor called to tell me I had a tumor) Kray gave me a unsolicited hug! Took me by surprise but I loved it!

On that note, I'm really worried about my children. I wish they would open up to me and let me know how they are feeling. I wish they knew how much they need to talk. I wish they would talk. They don't have to talk to me, but to someone. I have numbers of people they would talk to. In fact I ran across a friend whose daughter is in one of Kray's class and she said that her daughter has talked about Kray and how he is "afraid about his mother's cancer". I know this is driving him crazy, but it is KILLING me. I wish they would just open up. I really want to know what is going on. I know what it is doing to my insides and I can only imagine what it is doing to them. One day he told me that I would "kick it in the butt, like you do everything else mom." I love the confidence, but...

My husband doesn't speak about "it" either. I wish he would. I know I'm scared and I have no idea what he feels like. I know it would let me open up. I don't even know how to open up. These are things that you don't think you will ever have to talk about while you are young, but damn! you do. I don't even know how to start that conversation.

Now, you may wonder how I'm typing this since I don't bend in half and typing you would assume that I was at my desk. No, I'm in bed with a back ache typing on my husband's laptop (my laptop has some broken keys so it is hard to type worth beans).

Well, my eyes are getting droopy (thank you vicodin) and I think dinner just arrived.