Readers Anonymous Club

This club is for those individuals who:
  • Find that the best date in the world is dinner and a book store.
  • Spend hours in the library searching the stacks.
  • Have a book on every table and in every cubby hole in their house.
  • Stash a book in their car.
  • Download books on their PDA so they can read while waiting at the grocery store, dentist office or in traffic.
  • Find their over due fines at the library are a line item in their family budget.
  • Can not pass a book store without thinking, "How late will I be if I just take a minute to breathe in the smells."

Please attend as many meetings as necessary to meet your level of addiction. The meeting schedule is as follows:

Our regular meetings are here at our head reader's home on the second Thursday of every month. For those who need just a little extra help we hold a second meeting on the third Tuesday of the month. For those who still need help we have a third meeting and that is held on the fourth Wednesday of every month.

The first week you are supposed to go to the nearest book store and leave your purse, wallet and all forms of cash, check, credit cards, debit cards, first born at home. (You are free to bring your driver's license, but that is all.) You are then to walk through the shelves and not touch a thing. If you fall off the wagon and touch something you are to drop every thing, rush to the nearest pay phone and call 1-800-I CAN'T STOP. The nice lady on the other end of the phone will chew you out. (Cell phone calls are ok, but because of caller-id we prefer a payphone so in real emergencies we can send the book patrol to your location and perform CPRM--Critical Prying of Reading Material and save your soul.)

For those who want a printed copy of the schedule, please use this handy guide.

First week: book store walk through
Second Thursday: mild addiction
Third Tuesday: moderate addiction
Fourth Wednesday: heavy addiction

Mild addiction can be proven by counting the number of book shelves in your home. If you use those shelves for decorations, then please move on, this club is not for you. If you have one set of book shelves and you know what is on those shelves and have read 50% of those books (children's book shelves are not included) then you have a mild addiction. Please join us on the second Thursday.

Moderate addition can be proven by counting the number of book shelves in your home. If you have between 2-5 shelves and you know what is on those shelves and have read 75% of the books then you have a moderate addiction. Please join us on the second Thursday and third Tuesday. We can help.

Heavy addiction is easily spotted. These people can not pass a book store or library without stopping and usually have to have someone else drive when going down town. These people have over 5 book shelves at home. They usually have books stashed in every cubby and on the floor. These people know what "the reading room" really is and have asked their spouse if the bathtub could be removed and a lounge chair put in its place. These people are in desperate need of help and RAC can do it. Please make room in your schedule to attend all the meetings listed. You can beat this with the help of RAC!

Hopeless addiction is those who are beyond the "heavy addiction" classification. You can spot these people. They can recite the opening line of Pride and Prejudice, War and Peace, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Little House on the Prairie, etc. They have a "library" in their home as well as a well stocked "reading room." They are known to disapear for an hour in the reading room. They fall asleep with their glasses perched on their nose and a book in their hands. They know the number of every local book store. They know the URL to every book buying website and would NEVER think of selling a book at a garage sell, Ebay or heaven forbid, give one away. When purchasing books as gifts, they often buy an extra for themselves. You can always spot one of these hopeless addicted book lovers a mile away.

We have personal one-on-one daily counseling sessions. You are to check in every morning with your counselor so that your addiction can be broken little by little. You are to turn in every library card, every frequent buyer card from all book stores and we will install a web block on all book store sites as well as take away your book buying credit cards. We work closely with your loved ones to see that you kick the habit and are book free. We strongly encourage you to attend the weekly meetings as well as call your counselor daily, if not drop by for a quick visit.

For those who have successfully beat their addiction we have developed a program just for you. In the laboratories of many universities across the states a new "patch" has been newly developed. We find great success with the "patch," but with anything we find that this can be abused as well. Therefore when you have graduated to the "patch" we request that you come to the second Thursday meetings so we can monitor your progress.

Some may recognize the "patch" as the library card. But it is much more than just a library card. It is a privilege for those who have gotten their habit under control and are no longer controlled by their addiction.

For those who abuse the "patch" we suggest that you attend the second Thursday meetings and come support those who are struggling. This is a habit that is very hard to break, but with your help you can help those who are just beginning their journey to freedom.

If you fall off the wagon and take control of your children's or spouse's library card, we can handle that as well. We hate to do it, but we do have special scissors that can slice through the tough consumer plastic that the cards are made of. Just remember you can not be as bad as one member of our club. She is so addicted that she had control of her children's library cards. That made for a total of six library cards! Thankfully her husband has not given her the information from his card so she can't use it as well. Her library is very generous in that they allow 20 holds per card and a maximum of 100 books checked out per card. She is in the "Hopeless" program but she is getting her addiction under control. We just hope and pray that she doesn't get her dog a library card.

Not every one will recognize that they have a problem. If you know of a loved one who has a problem, you too can call 1-800-I CAN'T STOP and an emergency intervention can be held in your loved ones behalf. Special scissors are brought and cards are cut up.

This is usually a genetic trait passed down from generation to generation. Unbeknownst to many parents they have passed this addiction on by purchasing books or even bequeathing books in their will to their posterity. You can be the one to break the cycle. It can be done.

A Typical Meeting:
We meet at 7pm for refreshments and chit chat. At 7:30 we all sit down, introduce ourselves and admit our problem. Many find it appropriate to tell us what they have been reading. We find that this can take up most of the evening, but we find it very therapeutic if we share our feelings about the plot, characters, author and whatever. It helps in the cleansing process. Yes, this sounds like a book club discussion, but we try hard to put the focus on how one can survive a day without reading. We know it is tough, but we think it can be done.

Sometimes we get to the topic of the month. Last month was "Reading while driving: Is it really more dangerous than drinking while driving." This month is "Closet Reading: Is it really bad for your eyes?" We have invited a ophthalmologist as a guest speaker. He will be bringing in some very fashionable reading glasses for those of us who need to update our reading accessories.

Book exchanging is strictly forbidden while at the meeting (but who knows what goes on outside).

Meet the "Head Reader" (President) of our club
I'm Doreen and I have a problem. I'm addicted to books and reading. I feel naked without a book to hold. I feel that back packs should be standard issue for every piece of clothing. I feel that one can never have enough book shelves and they should be standard in every home across the world. Reading rooms need to be built into every home. I feel libraries unfairly penalize me for returning books late. I believe that only good books should be written and stocked in libraries across the nation. I believe there is no room for sloppy or poorly written books. If you find one it is your duty to destroy it. I believe that as your Head Reader it is my duty to warn you of poor books and steer you clear of them. I am still a hopeless addict and I'm trying hard through daily counseling to beat this addiction. I believe that everyone should belong to at least three book clubs and if they can manage a fourth then they are a better person than I. Library cards should be issued upon birth and card numbers assigned for life, much like social security numbers. I believe that there should be a library down the street from my home. I also believe that only those who read books should work in book stores. All librarians should love little children. Reading should be the 11th commandment. There should be classes in school that teach children to love reading.
I’m Doreen and I have a problem. I'm addicted to books and reading. Excuse me, but I have to find a library book, the fine is reaching double digits and I need to find it before my husband gets the bill. I do hope to see you at a meeting soon.