My nightmare

I'm not a stranger to nightmares. Just after my car accident in 2002 I had nightmares. They were often "silly" in nature but they were very real to me. I was always trapped inside something and panic set in that no one was coming to get me out. These nightmares kept me from getting a good night's sleep and often kept me from falling asleep long after midnight because I didn't want to have those nightmares. I had to see a therapist and he helped me literally fight my way through the nightmares. I learned to control my dreams and turn a potential nightmare into a dream where silly things happen. I become a super hero and break whatever barrier is holding me in. I can now control my nightmares and make a a silly dream.

But there is no therapy that can make this nightmare go away. Just Sunday morning, Mother's Day of all days my nightmare of nightmare played again on the screens of my subconscious mind. Just before the alarm was supposed to ring (I forgot to set the alarm--bad momma) the projected started. Of course we can control, to some extent, our dreams, but it takes a lot of work and for some reason I didn't take control of this dream and become producer, director and dictator, instead I let it roll. I truly wish I hadn't.

In my dream our family was coming together for an important family event. At first it was Jessie's baptism, but as it played out it couldn't be Jessie's baptism because she was already baptized. For some reason I didn't change it I let it play out as it was flowing fast. For some reason my in-laws came on bikes and I had no car or transportation. As I look around I notice that Kray and Jason aren't there. Everyone else important is, but they are missing. I'm in tears. Part of my family is missing. I know they slept in and missed their alarm but there was nothing I could do. My nightmare is that there part of my family is missing.

I have always had a very strong since of family so having part of them missing is my worse nightmare. I don't want to even come close to equating myself to Lehi, but I think I am beginning to understand the emotions he might have felt while viewing his vision of the Tree of Life. And just to clarify, my dream wasn't about my boys missing because of sin. My dream was about my feelings of having a part of my family missing.

As I approach my second to last summer before my children start leaving the nest my heart is breaking. I know they need to leave the home eventually, but I wish it wasn't so soon.