I had a friend stop me this afternoon and ask me how I was. I love her! She really knows when things aren't right in you. I told her I was melancholy. I'm not even sure that is what I am, but it sounded like a good word. (I just looked it up and it sort of fits what I am. "1. a gloomy state of mind, especially when habitual or prolonged: depression. 2. sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness"). Yes, I'm sort of melancholic.
I got sick during the holidays, again! Last year it was kidney stones, this year I just had a wicked fever. It seems that every time I go to my mother-in-law's I come home sick. I'm not sure if it is her house (no way) or the hotel we stay in (most likely). This time it knocked me but good. I had a high fever (over 101) for a few days and it just zapped me. I had such great plans for the days between holidays. Oh, well. That's two years in a row when my house didn't get deep cleaned or projects didn't get done. I'm really beginning to hate the holidays!
Then Stuart Scott died of cancer. Not that is should matter. I wasn't an ESPN sports junky, but when I heard and saw the now famous quote he said upon winning an award "When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You bet cancer by how you live, why you live and in the manner in which you live." Well, it hit me hard. See, I'm late for a blood draw and no matter how many clean draws I have I still get nervous. It's this Friday and I'm scared to death. What if it is back! Oh! Dear! Heavens! Don't go there!!! You can scream that, but I do. I have to stop!
And Monday was my mother's 81st birthday, or would have been had she still been alive. But she isn't and I miss her something terrible. I had a very powerful and poignant dream about her the other night and it still has me a little rattled. I should post what I wrote to my brothers, but I won't. I'll just write the dream part.
"I had the most incredible dream I’ve had of mom since her death. I usually dream of mom as a young person. She is in her early 40’s maybe—spry, healthy and like I remember her when I was a teen. And she NEVER has time for me. She makes an appearance in my dream and then rushes off like there is something more important than me to attend to. This time she was old mom. She was the mom my kids know—grandma. Gray haired, a little bent over and a little slower, but she had all her mind with her. I don’t know where we were but I was trying to pack the van and taking things out and putting them back in and my family was over there playing with mom and Steve. I wasn’t getting any help at all (sort of like how I feel right now). I was so frustrated as we had to leave (a sense of urgency was about me) and they just playing. I was getting very angry. Nothing was fitting in the car—I couldn’t get it all in and I was just ready about to burst in anger and frustration. Then they came over to get in the van and mom walked over with them. She then wrapped me in her arms and hugged me TIGHT! I’m talking one of the tightest hugs I’ve ever had. She then told me “Good bye” and then “I’m proud of you.” And then she was no where and I woke up to the sheets wrapped tightly around me. I looked around me and realized it was a dream and just sobbed! "
And on top of all this, I'm failing my personal training courses. I'm so afraid of the final. I just can't memorize like I use to. Everything is swimming in my head and they pull trick questions on the exams and there is little to no feedback from our discussion questions and so I'm just so nervous and scared. I know I'll be an awesome trainer, but I just can't get the medical stuff down. And my kids won't study their stuff and I want to scream, "If only I had your brain and time! I would be acing my studies!!!!"
So when she asked me how I was....
Nervous
Scared
Frighten
Busy
A lot is weighing me down!
Now I need to get off this and read the next chapter and try desperately to understand!