Six very long years

I tried desperately not to think about it. I really did and that is why I'm up this early thinking about it and now blogging about it.
In 2002 at 5:40 in the morning my life changed forever. I was hit. I was in an auto accident that could have and probably should have taken my life. But since I'm typing right now, it didn't and I have to live with the aftermath.
Physically it shook my world and until the day I'm resurrected with a perfect body I will probably feel the effects of the accident in my back and especially in my neck. I have been in therapy for six long years and have personally decided that I think I'm done. The only thing that brings relief are therapeutic massages and our insurance doesn't cover them. So I will pop pills when needed to control the pain and stiffness and be done with twice a month therapy.
Mentally I think I will always suffer from PTS for the rest of my life. I can't tell you what it does or when it will strike, but every now and then I just can't handle life. Every one is out to get me. Headlights are the worse thing for me and they make my heart race. To this day they still make me think. I hate it. I truly hate it.
I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't been hit. I know the positive things that have come out of this--OK, I can only think of one today and that is that I'm still alive and I don't take life for granted anymore--but I think of al the negative things that have been a result of this. All the thousands of dollars that we have personally spent on my healing. That one really hurts because here I sit six years later and wonder how much of that money was just thrown away because it did no good. What could I have done with it? Could I have put that to better use for my family. That is where the sting lies. As we struggle today to put food on the table, gas in the cars and clothes on our back I wonder how many thousands of dollar did I waste. Then there is the time I wasted chasing the ultimate cure. What I would give to have those hours back. I don't dare even do the math on how much time was spent on trying to heal my body. I know some of it did good, but what about the stuff that didn't do a darn thing? I will never get those months, weeks or years back.

But I sit here today surrounded by my loved one (who are still in bed or at seminary) and I'm thankful that the Lord sent His angels to protect me that morning. I wish I could do it all over again, but I'm just glad I'm able to be here with my children and husband. Through all the depression and PTS I've been through they have stood beside me and prayed for my well being. I know I'm still here because of them.

I'm grateful to be alive.

PS /thebackdor/2006/01/morning-that-changed-my-life.html is my post about the accident.